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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Mental Regression


This is a difficult post to write...especially after all the wonderful comments on yesterday's post and especially after how I good I had felt while I wrote it.  I'm also not all that sure I'm ready for all of the blogosphere to know what an absolute nutcase I am but here goes...

I had a full on meltdown yesterday.  While I didn't want to put it out here, I need to because this is my blog and my journey and my mental craziness is part of that.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has responded to something in an absolutely ludicrous way and then beat themself up over it.  So here goes...

Yesterday...I picked up the girls from school, went home, helped with homework, helped with reading (even my youngest...she's getting better) and even texted Hubby asking if he'd make home in time for me to make the 5:30 spin class.  Yep, he sure would.  Awesome.  He got home and off to the gym I went.  And that's when things unraveled and Panda became unhinged.

I got there 20 minutes before the spin class started and already saw people reserving their bikes.  So I went in, picked one, adjusted the seat height and handle bar height and started lazily pedaling until the class was to start.  The class filled up...people came in, couldn't find a bike and left.  I thought to myself "This must be a pretty good class," and was still feeling pretty good.  The instructor came in and there had been one person hovering.  Turns out you had to sign up for this class (still free but you had to reserve a space) so the instructor asked if everyone had signed up like they were supposed to because this poor girl up front had signed up and now there were no open bikes.  I realized my mistake and yes...I could've said nothing and probably have gotten away with it but this girl had followed the rules..why should she not get her work out?  So I raised my hand and started getting my stuff together.  A couple people reiterated to the instructor that I had not signed up so it was repeated several times as if I weren't already getting my stuff together to get out of there.  Seriously?  Is it necessary to keep pointing out that there was one idiot in the class that didn't follow the rules that she didn't even know existed?  You know THIS was the kid who would tell the substitute teacher in school that you were supposed to have a test that day.  *sigh*

EVERYONE was staring at me.  I immediately felt SO embarrassed.  I felt my face begin to flush and I just couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I immediately felt like the fat girl that didn't belong.  Like everyone was just thinking "Of course she didn't sign up.  Isn't it obvious she's never done this before?"  It was like finding yourself in the wrong classroom in high school and not wanting to leave because then everyone would know you're an idiot.  I was so flustered by the time I was out of the spin room that I just kept walking...past the weight machines...out the door...to my car...and drove home.  Halfway home I was furious at myself for reacting that way.  It was such "Old Panda" behavior.  I got home and threw a full blown little hissy fit about the gym not giving any notice that you need to sign up for these things on their website or with the weekly class list.  Hubby could not understand why I was so upset and I just couldn't verbalize it for him because I felt humiliated on several levels.  As someone who abhors being the center of attention, having an entire room of fit looking people staring at me and "accusing" me of not belonging was enough to make my head want to explode but allowing one little thing derail my workout effort for the day was just totally freaking me out!

Logically, I realize this was not a big deal.  How was I supposed to know you had to sign up?  Literally...no notice anywhere.  I had taken spin classes at this gym before and it never required signing up.  Even the instructor told me on my way out that it happens all the time.  I also realize now that most likely no one in that room was judging me or anything like that.  I should've just shrugged, said "oops" and hopped on the treadmill.  But none of these logical things were making their way through the mental lunacy that had taken over yesterday.

I'm sharing this to merely show that we all have those days where the mental toughness just isn't there and that sometimes old insecurities can still get the better of us even after losing a significant amount of weight.  Or am I the only crazy one around here?

Today I go back to the gym.  I promised Hubby I would but more importantly, I still have work to do.

16 comments:

jennxaz said...

Oh man! that is terrible! I am so sorry and I so understand. I HATE HAVING EVERYONES EYES on me! I would have felt the same way. Your reaction is totally understandable but I commend you for reflecting and blogging about it---rest assured you are not alone--hugs MandaPanda and let today be a better day!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I understand completely! I probably would have stopped for chocolate though...really adding insult to injury. Hang in there!

Run, Chelle, Run! said...

I am just over here alternately cringing and wanting to hug you because I feel like I was there with you. I loved spin but it was so hard to break into it at first (and actually, I had shown up for another class and gotten dragged into spin) and I'm so afraid to go back...because of stuff like this! I like to know every little detail of what to expect in a new situation and I would have been mortified too.

Be gentle with yourself, and you are doing great by picking up and going right back into it. You aren't the only one with the old insecurities there...I think it takes a lot longer than the weight loss to lose those.

vickyd said...

((HUGS))

I would have probably reacted the exact same way. No matter how far we've come, those old insecurities have a way of making their way back when we least expect it! I'm proud of you for recognizing it for what it was and making the decision to go back today...I'll bet if this had happened to you a few years ago you wouldn't have gone back, would you?

Jen said...

URGH.. I read this this morning and was cringing knowing what was coming when you said there was a "hoverer".. I'm sorry that ruined your evening. I would never know that you needed to sign up for things either at my gym... there is nothing that says that but I know b/c my friend goes to spin all the time. Shame on them for not posting and letting people know. I guarantee you aren't the first or the last person who is going to do that.
I do wish you would go a little easier on yourself. You aren't the Old Panda.. look how far you've come! Unless you've gained like 80 lbs since the last time I saw you (which would be SHOCKING!), I wouldn't think you should not consider yourself in that same group of "fit" people! You look great and you deserve to be there just as much as anyone who wants to up their fitness game...
Thanks for the text yesterday and I'll expect to see a text from you telling me that you are heading into the gym later today!!
xo,js

Cheri said...

I am so glad you posted this, because obviously, we can all relate! I think what makes "shame" so powerful, is the tendency to keep it silent. We lock it inside and feel it is some icky thing about US, some secret flaw. When you share it, you realize actually that "flaw" is what connects us to others - because we so deeply identify with other people on that emotional level. Then it loses its power. The next time shame wants to push you out the door, it's easier to call it out and remember that every person in that room has probably felt the same - you are not the freak, the different one.

My little boy started school Monday, and had a moment he felt ashamed because of a "meet and mingle" exercise they were going to have to do, and everyone was going to see he has really bad writing. It is so bad he has occupational therapy to help work on developing his writing. But he was afraid new classmates would assume he was stupid, lazy, etc. He wadded up the paper and wanted to cry. I tried to talk him through the fact every kid in that class has something they feel embarrassed about.

It never goes away! He said, "mom, can I ask the other kids what their thing they are embarrassed about is?" lol. I told him no, they probably wouldn't want to say, or might not even be thinking about it. But thanks for sharing "yours" with us today. :-) It oddly can make other people feel better when we are willing to be vulnerable! And we know you will kick butt there today!!!!!!! xoxox

H said...

You are definitely not crazy. I would have reacted the same way.

Stacey said...

This really breaks my heart. First, because you were made to feel like you were less than...and you are far from less than in my book!

But on a bigger scale, this is the reason many gyms have a bad name. The judgmental, condescending looks that those who have been going for a while can develop. What they need to remember is that they were once upon a time, new and did not understand how things worked. I wonder how any of those people would have felt if they had been placed in the spotlight and shamed.

And shame on the instructor. She saw that you had made an honest mistake and were rectifying it. If she had any people skills, she would have left it that. Kudos to you for going back today. Walk in there with your head held high. You are the PANDANATOR!

Colleen said...

Hugs to you. I would have felt the same way. It's hard not to revert to our old habits when we are stressed. The important thing is you recognized what you did and you are not letting one small issue stop you on your journey. Way to go!

Jess said...

My stomach turned reading this! I feel your pain. And I'm with Tessie on stopping for the chocolate on the way home and possibly the entire taco bell menu!!!! So good for you! At least now you know to sign up!

Jules said...

I've been there too, so that makes me crazy as well! I'm sorry that happened, I felt discouraged for you too, reading your post :( It's great though that you recognized these old habits and are aware of them for the future because we are going to run into triggers. You're doing awesome, you ARE awesome!

Jeanette said...

I understand your reaction... I can almost FEEL how you felt. I hate being singled out like that, even if it's no big deal. I often react harshly in those moments and then regret it... I am just too easily embarrassed!

Sandy said...

I've been there too. In fact yesterday, I walk into a new Walmart, pick up a bunch of stuff and head to the cash. No one is there so I ask these two young girls stocking shelves why. They giggled and said the store wasn't open til Friday. As I left I told the girl sitting at the entrance that she should have told people the store wasn't opened yet. As I left a lady with 3 kids was coming in so I told her the store wasn't open yet. She couldn't believe it either. Walk right in, parking lot full. No signs visible.

I too was pissed. I should have just walked out with the stuff I wanted.

Long story short, keep on going to spin. At least you spoke up at first. There may have been others too who didn't sign up and they got to spin.

RockBand Barbie said...

If I was there I would throw my arms around you and squeeze tight. You handled it better than I would have...I probably would have gotten very defensive and said some ugly words to who ever felt the need to further point out that I had not signed up.

Ronnie said...

Giiirl, I would have pissed my pants. I get SO ridiculously embarrassed, too. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. :(

adorkbl said...

Awww sweets. Sorry about that. I would have been mortified.