Wednesday, August 15, 2012
This is a difficult post to write...especially after all the wonderful comments on yesterday's post and especially after how I good I had felt while I wrote it. I'm also not all that sure I'm ready for all of the blogosphere to know what an absolute nutcase I am but here goes...
I had a full on meltdown yesterday. While I didn't want to put it out here, I need to because this is my blog and my journey and my mental craziness is part of that. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has responded to something in an absolutely ludicrous way and then beat themself up over it. So here goes...
Yesterday...I picked up the girls from school, went home, helped with homework, helped with reading (even my youngest...she's getting better) and even texted Hubby asking if he'd make home in time for me to make the 5:30 spin class. Yep, he sure would. Awesome. He got home and off to the gym I went. And that's when things unraveled and Panda became unhinged.
I got there 20 minutes before the spin class started and already saw people reserving their bikes. So I went in, picked one, adjusted the seat height and handle bar height and started lazily pedaling until the class was to start. The class filled up...people came in, couldn't find a bike and left. I thought to myself "This must be a pretty good class," and was still feeling pretty good. The instructor came in and there had been one person hovering. Turns out you had to sign up for this class (still free but you had to reserve a space) so the instructor asked if everyone had signed up like they were supposed to because this poor girl up front had signed up and now there were no open bikes. I realized my mistake and yes...I could've said nothing and probably have gotten away with it but this girl had followed the rules..why should she not get her work out? So I raised my hand and started getting my stuff together. A couple people reiterated to the instructor that I had not signed up so it was repeated several times as if I weren't already getting my stuff together to get out of there. Seriously? Is it necessary to keep pointing out that there was one idiot in the class that didn't follow the rules that she didn't even know existed? You know THIS was the kid who would tell the substitute teacher in school that you were supposed to have a test that day. *sigh*
EVERYONE was staring at me. I immediately felt SO embarrassed. I felt my face begin to flush and I just couldn't get out of there fast enough. I immediately felt like the fat girl that didn't belong. Like everyone was just thinking "Of course she didn't sign up. Isn't it obvious she's never done this before?" It was like finding yourself in the wrong classroom in high school and not wanting to leave because then everyone would know you're an idiot. I was so flustered by the time I was out of the spin room that I just kept walking...past the weight machines...out the door...to my car...and drove home. Halfway home I was furious at myself for reacting that way. It was such "Old Panda" behavior. I got home and threw a full blown little hissy fit about the gym not giving any notice that you need to sign up for these things on their website or with the weekly class list. Hubby could not understand why I was so upset and I just couldn't verbalize it for him because I felt humiliated on several levels. As someone who abhors being the center of attention, having an entire room of fit looking people staring at me and "accusing" me of not belonging was enough to make my head want to explode but allowing one little thing derail my workout effort for the day was just totally freaking me out!
Logically, I realize this was not a big deal. How was I supposed to know you had to sign up? Literally...no notice anywhere. I had taken spin classes at this gym before and it never required signing up. Even the instructor told me on my way out that it happens all the time. I also realize now that most likely no one in that room was judging me or anything like that. I should've just shrugged, said "oops" and hopped on the treadmill. But none of these logical things were making their way through the mental lunacy that had taken over yesterday.
I'm sharing this to merely show that we all have those days where the mental toughness just isn't there and that sometimes old insecurities can still get the better of us even after losing a significant amount of weight. Or am I the only crazy one around here?
Today I go back to the gym. I promised Hubby I would but more importantly, I still have work to do.