Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Band Appt - 10/30/14

I bit the bullet.  I scheduled an appointment with a new band doctor for 10/30/14.

I have been putting this off for quite some time and the reasons are entirely mental. So let's break these down.

  • My band was working fine 18 months ago.  It's not the restriction level, it's me.  Yes and No.  My restriction wasn't ideal when I left Phoenix either.  It was OK but not ideal.  I still had to white knuckle more than I should've had to.  I got lazy and tired of the band upkeep and it was easier to blame me than the band because obviously it's all my fault. *note the sarcasm...I realize how insane it sounds*
  • I don't want to be judged by the doctor and nurses about how much weight I've regained. I've heard some docs judge or use fills as reward/punishment.  My doctor never did that so I was scared to go find a new one that maybe would.  Hubby went to this new doc 6 months ago and told me how great he was.  I just didn't believe him.  So we'll see.
  • The lapband has failed.  I have failed.  There's not point in messing with it anymore. Did the lapband fail?  No.  I just stopped using it.  Have I failed?  Not yet.
  • What is there is something wrong with the band?  I don't want to face that. Best to face it head on than ignore it if there's a problem.  Logically, I know this but I just couldn't deal with more stress if that's the case.
So I made the appointment.  He's on vacation until October and then I'm travelling for work the week he has an open appt at the location I want so that pushed us into the end of October which is OK.  It gives me time to get all my records sent over.

I still haven't eaten out and I actually came in below allotted calories on My Fitness Pal yesterday.  I'm hitting the gym tonight.  Moving in the right direction.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Old Insecurities and Starting From Scratchs

I went back to the gym last night.  When I say I went back, I don't mean as in "I took a couple months off."  I mean it's been over a year and a half since I've really done the gym and I went back last night.  It was ugly.  I am starting completely over.  A year and a half ago, I was running 3 miles at a turn, weight training, kick boxing, spinning.  You name it.  I was doing two-a-days and I was all over it.  Last night, I walked for 30 minutes and sweat.  I attempted to lift weights and even at the lowest weight level, could barely get through a set.  It sucked.  I felt so defeated.

I found myself looking around at other people, thinking they know I don't belong here.  I become very self conscious of how I looked doing things, how much I sweating, if I was breathing too hard.  I felt like I was being judged.  I haven't felt that way in 3 years.  I came home, ate dinner and mulled over these feelings.

Today I went back and read through some of my own blogs and wouldn't you know it?  There was inspiration there.

This blog post about going back to spin class after a humiliating first impression.

Or this one where I talk about the need to challenge yourself to rise above your mental blocks.  In that post, I remind myself.

I am not too fat or out of shape to work out and push myself physically.
I am not too weak minded or lacking in willpower to say no to the bad food.
I am not too tired to make it to my fitness classes.
I am not so far gone as to give up!

I have to start somewhere.  Just because I'm not in as good as shape as I was 2 years ago doesn't mean I should just give up.

I was being really hard on myself but then I really thought about what has transpired in the last 18 months to get me to backslide so badly.  I have several major life events that not only disrupt routine but also mental states.  I've moved across country, bought a house, a job change and have had 2 surgeries.  The not only wreaks havoc on the mental state but the body as well.  I'm forgiving myself for "letting myself go."  But that being said, it's time to move on and make my health a priority again.  

The to do list:
  1. Back to the gym 3 days a week (1 day down)
  2. Track the food and portions in My Fitness Pal (started yesterday)
  3. Make an appt with a band doc for a fill (I'll have another whole post on this)
3 basic principles but they need to happen.  Still eating-out free as of today. Yay!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Eating Out Challenge Update - 7/30

Hey there.  I have made it one full week without eating out at all...not even coffee.  7/30 days are done!  So far so good and my amazingly my bank account is only $30 lower this week than it was last week.  Amazing how that happens, huh?

I have created a monthly budget that I think we can stick to.  It does involve changing the way we pay our bills.  Hubby and I have managed our finances basically the same way since we combined households.  Our big bills come out of our joint account (rent/now mortgage, car payment, kid expenses, insurance) while things that were considered individual bills (gas, groceries, student loans, cell phone, gym, etc.) were taken out of individual accounts and we just kind of kept it even.  You see, of course, the problem.  The only things in that list that are actually individual at this point are the student loans and the gym.  The new approach will have us paying ALL BILLS out of the joint account and then whatever's left over will go into the individual accounts.  It's actually a pretty big mental shift but I think it's the best path forward for staying on top of everything and not getting into old habits.

I haven't weight myself in a month.  I'm still not going to weigh myself now but I know I should.  Denial is a fabulous place to be.

Hope y'all had a great weekend.  Mine was filled with unpacking stuff.  Oh joy.  Another week descends upon us and as it does, ask yourself...Am I doing everything I can to make this the best week it can be?  Chances are the answer is no.  I'm sure going to work on it though.

Thursday, September 18, 2014


Given the new house and new expenses that come with it along with a few repairs we know we'll have in the future, I decided it was time to create a new household budget.  What better way to start off in our new house but with a new financial plan.  Our old financial plan was centered around saving up a down payment/furniture for the house.  Well, all that money is gone so we need to work on rebuilding our savings, etc.

It's probably a good idea to do this at least once a year anyway.  What did I learn?  How much eating out has really cost us.  The last 30 days have been absolutely crazy.  I traveled for work, we moved into the new house, been working on cleaning out the old house.  It's been a mess so probably not the best 30 days to choose from in terms of how much we spent eating out but what an eye opener.

Just from my account (so not taking into account what my husband paid for), I spent over $800 last month eating out!  That's everything from fast food joints, sit down restaurants, dunkin donuts, starbucks, ice cream (are you seeing why I've gained weight in this mess too?).  EVERYTHING.  I couldn't believe how much it came out to.  Absolutely ridiculous!  I had already known we needed a change.  I started my 30 day no-eating-out challenge prior to doing the math but I didn't realize how bad it had actually gotten.

I am proud to say that I'm day 4 of my 30 day challenge and I have not faltered.  I can do this. I can do this.  The fact is after making the budget, I see that we really have plenty of wiggle room (it's so nice to be able to say this after YEARS of struggling) but that's no excuse to go off the rafters the way we have.  Time to reign it in.  :)

Happy Thursday!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

30 Days Eating At Home

I'm failing...still.  Not dwelling on that.

New Challenge.  Since buying a house, we are hemorrhaging money.  Between the new A/C, garage door, furniture, etc.  Money is super tight right now.  Beginning yesterday, no eating out for 30 days.  I can do this, I can do this.  Not only will this help from the healthful eating aspect but it will also help the pocketbook immensely.  This is merely a personal goal as Hubby may still buy breakfast and lunch in his company cafeteria but the beauty of working from home is that I have no such temptations.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks...all at home 24/7/30.  This will be particularly tough on the weekends when we tend to buy bites to eat while we're out and about and running errands.  Not for the next several weekends.

This shouldn't be that difficult.  We have no major events happening in the next 30 days and a great celebratory night out will be October which point...I am seeing Garth Brooks in concert!  :)  Super excited and I think that's a perfect occasion to go out for a nibble and then a concert.  That's how eating out should be.  It should be an event, not a necessity.  So I'm committed.

We are now moved into the new house but most things are still in boxes.  The kitchen and living room are complete but my office (where my treadmill is) is a mess.  Hoping this gets taken care of this weekend.

Speaking of this weekend, Hubby signed us up for the Heart Walk.  A 5k.  I haven't done a 5k in over a year.  Yes...I used to do them at least monthly.  I even had a goal once and actually attained it to do 2 5k's in one day.  Alas.  I haven't done any but one since moving here.  Needless to say we'll be walking it but it's a start.

Hope y'all are having a good week.  Will post progress on the eating out goal soon.