Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Old Insecurities and Starting From Scratchs

I went back to the gym last night.  When I say I went back, I don't mean as in "I took a couple months off."  I mean it's been over a year and a half since I've really done the gym and I went back last night.  It was ugly.  I am starting completely over.  A year and a half ago, I was running 3 miles at a turn, weight training, kick boxing, spinning.  You name it.  I was doing two-a-days and I was all over it.  Last night, I walked for 30 minutes and sweat.  I attempted to lift weights and even at the lowest weight level, could barely get through a set.  It sucked.  I felt so defeated.

I found myself looking around at other people, thinking they know I don't belong here.  I become very self conscious of how I looked doing things, how much I sweating, if I was breathing too hard.  I felt like I was being judged.  I haven't felt that way in 3 years.  I came home, ate dinner and mulled over these feelings.

Today I went back and read through some of my own blogs and wouldn't you know it?  There was inspiration there.

This blog post about going back to spin class after a humiliating first impression.

Or this one where I talk about the need to challenge yourself to rise above your mental blocks.  In that post, I remind myself.

I am not too fat or out of shape to work out and push myself physically.
I am not too weak minded or lacking in willpower to say no to the bad food.
I am not too tired to make it to my fitness classes.
I am not so far gone as to give up!

I have to start somewhere.  Just because I'm not in as good as shape as I was 2 years ago doesn't mean I should just give up.

I was being really hard on myself but then I really thought about what has transpired in the last 18 months to get me to backslide so badly.  I have several major life events that not only disrupt routine but also mental states.  I've moved across country, bought a house, a job change and have had 2 surgeries.  The not only wreaks havoc on the mental state but the body as well.  I'm forgiving myself for "letting myself go."  But that being said, it's time to move on and make my health a priority again.  

The to do list:
  1. Back to the gym 3 days a week (1 day down)
  2. Track the food and portions in My Fitness Pal (started yesterday)
  3. Make an appt with a band doc for a fill (I'll have another whole post on this)
3 basic principles but they need to happen.  Still eating-out free as of today. Yay!


Jeanette said...

Even one major life trauma set me back for months! It's great that you're getting back to it, right now is all that matters

Amy said...

you've gotta start somewhere! :) so glad to hear you have a positive attitude about it all.

Beth Ann said...

I'm moving to a new apartment complex that has the new fancy treadmills with the tv's that I thought I might use, but I think it is only going to be 20 something cute people working out there and I'm so not looking forward to that. I will have to push myself! Go girl!

Rhonda said...

Glad to hear you're back at the gym... I haven't been in 3 weeks... and guess what? I GAINED WEIGHT! lol (No surprises here.)

Gotta do it, even when we have to start over... which I'm fairly confident I'll be doing in some part, as well.

Text me if you need accountability!