Thursday, April 28, 2011

Stools & Easter Pics

Not that kind of stool...sickos.  So most of you probably know Fluffy at Losing the Fluff.  There's her link if you don't.  She's like a superstar who I never knew existed until just a couple weeks ago.  Anyway...she has this amazing post that explains how she needed a good balance of diet, exercise and the band to be successful.  She provided this visual which I thought was pretty great (hence the stool).

This analogy just really struck me.  For some reason, seeing it in this context just drove the point home to me.  I suppose the 3 prongs or 4 prongs if you prefer to have a table or something can be anything you want it to be...exercise, lap band, support, diet, meditation...whatever combination you need to be successful.  And if you don't keep it all in balance, it topples over.  I honestly believe she nailed the 3 I need.  So far, my lap band has been doing most of the work.  Yes, I worked out.  And yes, I'm using past tense because I haven't been in almost a month (Bad Panda!).  Yes, I try to make better food choices but I still need A LOT of help in this area.  I know to the second half of what I want to lose, I need to step it up.  I think my stool looks something like this right now:

There's just too much weight on the band leg.  It's not toppling over yet...just wobbling unsteadily.  I need to get back where I need to be.  I need to CONSISTENTLY make the better food choices and CONSISTENTLY be active.  I think choosing my challenge will help get me back to the gym and back on the exercise train.  The food...that's just going to have to happen.  Starting tomorrow.  I know that's typical excuse fare right there but truth be told, we've already taken hotdogs out for dinner and I have more time than money at the moment.  Tomorrow morning's starting with a healthy breakfast and reasonable lunch.  I can steady my stool.  I get it back on solid ground.  I can do it!

And now for Easter pictures....

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Challenge Accepted!

One thing I've learned about myself in the last month is that unless I'm training FOR something, I can't get my butt to the gym.  It just ain't happenin'.  So I set off last week in search of something to train for.  There are several 10K's in the Fall that I will consider; however, the running just isn't as motivating to me as it was before the 5K.  So I've also chosen to participate in the New Times Dirty Six Mud Run 2 on September 24th!  The link with more info is here.  A basic run down (cut & pasted from the site):
Course Description

Both 3 mile and 6 mile runs are riddled with obstacles from start to finish. Each distance starts and finishes at Rawhide Wild West Town. Participants must successfully complete water and mud obstacles. They're not tough but don’t wear anything you can't wash and clean after. You’ll encounter a wall of water, two river crossings, a down and dirty mud crawl, obstacle course, a slippery mountain climb, GIANT slip n slides and of course a dip in our HUGE mud pit on your way to the finish!

I'm not sure yet if I want to do the 3 miles or the 6 miles but it sounds like a lot of fun and something I certainly wouldn't have attempted 50 lbs ago.  To be honest, I'm not keen on doing it now but I think by September, I'll be in even better shape and should be able to get through it.  I'm thinking this will encourage me to keep running but I'll also have to add some strength training and eventually a few boot camps too.  All of this to lead up to this monster of a run next year:
The Warrior Dash

This insane little run is 3.4 miles with 12 different obstacles that definitely look challenging.  Unlike the mud run, it has more of an urban feel.  Looks fun though!  I missed it for this year, but again, not in good enough shape yet anyway.  The Mud Run will be a good practice run for this one.

So there you have it.  Challenge Extended...Challenge Accepted (a la How I Met Your Mother for any fans out there).

NSV:  I wore a dress to work yesterday.  An actual honest-to-God dress...and I wore it...wait for it...Spanx-less!  And I didn't feel self conscious a bit.  Truly a personal victory.  The was an old dress.  I haven't worn it in years and it's even a touch big.   Wahoo!

I have a call into a realtor hoping to get a chance to go look at some rentals this week.  No offense to anyone who is one, but realtors drive me crazy.  I went through this last time looking for a rental.  I realize they don't make much (if any) money off these but come on!  At least return phone calls!  Even when I call the realtor who has the actual listing, they don't call me back.  If I were a landlord, it would tick me off knowing that perfectly good renters are trying to see my house but my realtor won't call them back.  *sigh*  Oh well.  We gave notice to our old landlord and he's going to write us a letter of recommendation.  I'm hoping that helps on the whole credit check front.  I know I'll obsess over this until we find a place, have our application accepted and have paid a deposit.  If only I could obsess about going to the gym like this. 

It is hump day...thank goodness.  So how about a Hump Day Happy Thought:

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. ~Joseph Addison

Monday, April 25, 2011

Weigh In 4/25/11

Weigh In. 174.5.  -2 from last week.  Certainly can't complain about the steady losses, can I?  I still feel guilty that I haven't made it to the gym but then again, apparently not guilty enough to pack my gym bag this morning and make it there tonight.  I expect this to be a lot easier when we move closer to the gym but it's really just an excuse and I recognize that.  My goal in the next two days (before Wednesday, my next normal workout day) is to find my next challenge.

You may also notice that I'm only 4 lbs away from my birthday goal.  I set a goal to lose 18 lbs by my birthday (June 27th).  I'm not changing this goal just because I should hit it with ease.  I'm just going to be very proud of myself if I hit it early.  LOL.  IF I ever make it back to the gym, this shouldn't be a problem.

Easter was nice and mellow this year.  It was just the four of us, no extended family came over.  We didn't even have our traditional ham dinner.  We had filet mignon instead with arancini (I'll provide a recipe for this at some point - delicious!), mashed potatoes and deviled eggs.  Delightful!  My band was super tight on Saturday...couldn't eat breakfast, lunch or even soup that I attempted at dinner.  I think my morning PB aggravated everything and made the rest of the day a wash.  By Sunday, I was able to eat 1/4 blueberry muffin, some chips with dip and a few bites of everything at dinner.  I must learn to take it easier after PB episodes.  I think that's why Saturday was so bad...I'm not babying my band enough after I struggle.  Anyway, Easter pictures should be posted sometime this week.

NSV!  I went shopping over the weekend.  No Amanda, I still have not bought a belt.  Maybe next time...I know, I know...I'm a wuss.  What I did buy was pants...desperately needed work pants.  My BFF and I went to Kohl's and I found 3 pairs...all size 14's!  It was a little frustrating because I had no idea what size I was in the first place but it seemed sometimes the 14's fit fine and other times they were too tight but 16's still seemed too loose.  I realize this is just difference in design and fit and even skinny people have to put up with that but it caused me to have to try on 2 of everything.  They're also all way too long.  Man, I'm short!  I mean, I've always known I'm short but jeezaloo!  Luckily my mom can hem them for me so I don't step on them.  I don't care about having them shortened though.  I was able to walk into a normal store and buy clothes.  Not even their biggest size and I didn't need to look for the "Women's" sizes and it was no worry that they would have something that fit me.  It might not look great but it would fit.  I've hated shopping for so long and would put off buying anything new if I could possibly help it.  Money is always an issue (Thanks for the support on that, btw) but maybe a part of me figured there was no point in shopping all day when I wasn't going to feel good in whatever I bought anyway.  This was definitely not the case Saturday.  I even bought 3 tops (1 from Kohl's and 2 from Ross), all in a size Large.  I haven't been a size medium since I was 12 due to linebacker shoulders so I don't know if I'll ever be smaller than a large but I'm A-OK with that because guess what...every store sells large tops, not just fat girl stores! A VERY rewarding shopping trip.  Of course, my hubby is probably scared that enjoying shopping is going to lead to spending too much money shopping and maybe he should be worried.  I could definitely get used to it!

 So a good weekend altogether.  It's like a calm before the storm.  May is going to be super busy trying to find a place to rent, pack, move, my oldest finishing up the school year and then Hubby's surgery at the end.  I'm hoping I don't allow the stress of all that and the extra effort needed to get all that done derail any weight loss efforts.  Look for a post Wednesday about my new challenge.  Until then, your Monday DEMotivator:

Friday, April 22, 2011

BYOC & Gallbladder Results

We'll do the results first.  Gallbladder is fine but had some kind of infection.  But the doctor says it's still undiagnosed and he doesn't know what was causing the pain.  WTF?  Now the pain is gone and he wants me to log everything I eat for always to see if the pain comes back and we can correlate it to something I eat.  This pain lasted 2 weeks...I just can't believe it has anything to do with what I'm eating.  Normally, I love my doc but I'm a little peeved about this one.  *sigh*  Oh well.  I'll hound him if the pain comes back.  Hopefully it's a one time thing. 

So no fill for me this time.  Both the doc and I agree that I'm at a pretty good spot as long as I eat the right stuff.  He wants to see me in a month but we'll see how I'm doing then.  I held off on making the appointment just yet.  So bring on BYOC!

Post on your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!

1. In the spirit of Easter – tell me – what is your all time favorite Easter candy?

Cadbury Creme Eggs!  Aaaaahhhh...that little bocking bunny gets me every year.

2. What is your Zodiac sign?

I'm a cancer so I'm a crab.  Go figure.

3. Are you holding on to something you should let go of?

I would say I've let go of most of my regrets.  Financial decisions still weigh on me but I think it's because I still feel the effects of them every time I go to pay a bill or need to buy shoes for the girls or want to go shopping for myself.  *Side note*  Going shopping for some Tweener clothing.  My work pants are just getting WAY TOO LOOSE so hopefully I find some good, cheap stuff to tide me over until I get to smaller sizes.*  I think maybe once we're finally out of debt, I'll be able to look at those financial mistakes as lessons learned instead of a perpetual punishment.

4. What are three “nevers” you follow in your life?
  • Never let coworkers know what you REALLY think of them
  • Never go more than 2 days between hair washes
  • Never wear a white shirt when there's a chance of rain

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blogland was a little busy.  Work's been crazy so it's been tough reading and commenting as much as I'd like.  It never ceases to amaze me how similar we all are in our struggles, accomplishments, worries, etc. 

Real Life:  Hmmm...well...I guess it's OK.  Nothing really interesting going on.  Doctors appointments, school things for the girls, work, groceries, dinners, baths...just a regular week I think.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and if you don't celebrate Easter, a wonderful weekend.  And it wouldn't be me without a Friday Funny...A sendoff into the weekend with a giggle...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Fill Appt & Other Stuff

What a hectic week at work!  None too happy about it.  It has seriously interfered with my blogging time... darn employment. 

I have an appointment with the lapband doc today.  We'll see about getting a fill.  Not sure I really need one.  Seems like when I eat the right stuff, I stay pretty satisfied...maybe just a small tweak is needed.  We'll see what he says.  I'm also hoping the ultrasound results are in as well.  The ultrasound itself went fine but of course, the tech doesn't tell you anything.  I did see the little balloon shaped thing on the screen and it looked fine to me (unless it's not supposed to be balloon shaped) but then again, I'm not a doc.  The tech said the results would be sent to the doc the next day (Wednesday) so I figure they should definitely have them by my appointment today.  Keeping fingers crossed that the gallbladder is fine and doesn't need to come out.  Does anyone else feel like they're cramming for a test when they go to their lapband doc?  Like..."OMG...I shouldn't eat or drink anything today so that I'm as light as possible by the time I go in for my appointment."  And I start rationalizing to myself why I'll weigh more there than at home..."I normally weigh first thing in the morning, all nekked and what not..and this is in the afternoon with full clothing...of course I'm going to weigh more."  Silly I know.

Hubby and I are officially on the lookout for a new house to rent.  We moved to the boonies back in 2009 and we are ready to move back to civilization.  With hubby's surgery scheduled May 31st, we're hoping to move the weekend prior.  I have that entire week off of work to help him with recovery and what not so I can also get a good bit of unpacking done then as well.  Here's keeping my fingers crossed that some benevolent landlord sees past our foreclosure and slight behindage (I like that word) on school loans and will rent us a decent place.  I admit I'm a little worried about it.  I'll obsess over this until we move because that's just the way I am. 

Incidentally, I'm turning 30 in June.  A few days after my birthday is when hubby will be able to eat solid food again so I'm thinking we'll celebrate the weekend after that.  The question is what to do.  I'm up for, bar, karaoke?  Money is tight so it can't be anything we have to shell out a whole lotta dough for.  We were thinking Vegas but that goes back to the whole money thing.  Any suggestions?

Last but certainly not least... I need a new challenge.  For some reason, I am unable to go to the gym if the only reason I'm going is to be healthy.  I know this is twisted but it's the only explanation I can come up with as to why I haven't been to the gym since my 5k.  I think I need to be working TOWARDS something.  Right now, I have a vague goal about running a 10k in October.  I'm not really sure I want to (the more I run, the more I realize I'm not a runner.  LOL).  But I need something specific and highly motivating.  I thought about a stair climb similar to what a couple of other bloggers have done.  I'm not sure where I would do that and I'm also not so sure I COULD do that.  I huff and puff after just 2 stories.  Hmmm... something to ponder.  I'm open to suggestions on this one.  Any thoughts as to a good physical challenge that will motivate me back to the gym?

Hope everyone's having a good week.  I found a couple new bloggers (new to me, anyway).  Go check them out!  There's Manda and Dianne.  Hope y'all are having a fabulous week...tomorrow's Friday!!  And everything seems better on Friday...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Weigh In 4/18/11

Weigh In: 176.5. -1 lb from last week.  I have no idea how this happened.  Between Vegas and not cooking at all last week, I thought for sure I was due for a gain.  The scale gods must be smiling down on me or my scale is just broken.  Either way, I'll take it!  My band tightened up on me this weekend.  I couldn't eat very much at all yesterday which may have made the difference as well.  We were outside quite a bit on Saturday and I don't think I drank enough water.  Could the higher temperatures and slight dehydration have that kind of effect on the band?

Saturday we went to a Fraternity Alumni Picnic type thing for my husband.  The girls loved it as it was at this big park with a huge playground.  Not as many people showed up as I thought so it wasn't that intimidating.  I did have a freak-out moment where I lost my youngest daughter for a few minutes.  I found her, safe and sound but every parent knows that feeling of absolute dread when you can't locate them right away. 

Sunday was a lazy day spent cleaning the house.  We got out a little bit and let the girls play outside.  We tried not to stay out too long as it was in the upper 90's and just a touch hot for me.  Hubby broke out the mitts and played catch a little bit.  I used to play softball in my younger days and to be honest, I was pretty good.  Sometimes I miss it.  I think one of my goals in the next couple years (as the kids get older and a little easier to manage) will be finding an adult softball league to join.  Perhaps in 2012.

A boring weekend all in all but after Vegas, it's just what the doctor ordered.  My gallbladder ultrasound is tomorrow which means coming in early to work all week.  Blech.  There's just something unholy about getting up at 3:30 in the morning.  Those States side, reminder that today is Tax Day!  I kept forgetting my laptop over the weekend so I still need to pay my state taxes today.  Nothing like putting it off until the last minute, eh?  In honor of Tax Day, here is your Monday DEMotivator:

Friday, April 15, 2011

NSV's & Other Random Stuff

So I made it back from Vegas on Wednesday and here it is Friday.  Not a bad workweek.  I'm feeling pretty random today.  In light of trying to think positively and putting good vibes out into the universe, this is my "Why I'm Grateful I've Lost 50 Lbs Post" and other random musings...bullet style.
  • Vegas was fantastic!  We had a great time and it was so good to see my sister and her hubby.  He's holding up quite well, all things considered and can still drink me under the table.  I got lots of compliments on my weight loss (they hadn't seen me since September) so that's always nice.  We had a heck of a roll at the Craps tables this trip but the coolest thing we did was go ziplining!  They have a zipline that goes right up the middle of the Fremont Street Experience.  It was such an adrenaline rush!  When you go to pay for it, you sign a waiver and they weigh you.  I never thought twice about it.  Stepped up on that scale and, not only did it never cross my mind that I would be too heavy but I never thought twice about weighing in front of people either.  HUGE NSV!  Then we got the harness on and not even a moment's doubt that it would fit.  I probably never would've done it 50 lbs ago because of these things so I was so stoked how much has changed!
  • I've gone from a Size 20 to a 16 (Old Navy 14 - can I get a woot! woot!)
  • I went through a good bit of hair loss a few months back but that's pretty much stopped and it's coming in healthier than ever.  I don't have nearly the same level of frizziness that I used to.
  • Since being banded, I have walked 60 miles in 3 days and have run my first 5k.  Both very cool experiences!
  • I've started taking the stairs at work...4 flights up sometimes.  I still feel like I'm going to die but now I know I won't.
  • I'm feeling sexier and that's translating to a happier hubby (that's all I'll say about that).
  • I'm getting noticed by 22 year olds again (assuming I'm not driving my minivan and have my 2 kids in tow)
  • I can walk all over zoos, parks and mountains with my kids and still feel pretty good when we're all done.  Keeping up with them is the best!
  • Tailbone is essentially pain free (struggled with tailbone pain for about 2 years prior to lap band surgery... no one could figure out why).
  • I have more confidence not only in social situations but my professional life as well.  I'm definitely breaking out of my shell.
In other news...
  • Hubby's insurance approval came through!!!  His lap band surgery date is tentatively set for May 31st.  Just waiting on confirmation.  We're so excited!  He's nervous but I think he's excited too.  It's been a long time coming.  LET'S DO THIS!
  • I have my ultrasound on my gallbladder on Tuesday.  Scheduling has been a pain and couldn't get it done sooner than that.  The pain comes and goes.  It was bad last night but feeling better this morning.  I don't know.  I just hope they can identify the problem and fix it.  Not feeling well makes me grumpy.
So that's what I got for today.  All in all, feeling good about where I'm at.  This week is a wash between Vegas, liquid calories and no working out but if I gain, there's certainly no question as to why.  Of course, it wouldn't be Friday without a Friday Funny....

Monday, April 11, 2011

Weign In 4/11/11

Only time for a quick post today.  I'm working a half day and then it's off to Vegas for a couple days to see my sister and brother-in-law.  Wahoo!

Weigh In. 177.5.  That's -1.5 from last week.  Definitely good progress, especially for not working out.

Weekend was just OK.  Since a week ago last Friday, I've been having a lot of pain in my upper abdomen (like by the bra line) and anytime I drank or ate anything, I felt bloated and gassy and just if you could push a pin in me and I'd pop.  Finally, on Friday, I couldn't put it off any longer and called the doc.  They did an upper GI to make sure all is well with the band.  I'm happy to report that all is fine in that area.  They tested me for a certain kind of ulcer, no ulcer.  Antacids aren't working at all to stop the pain so I don't think it's acid reflux.  So now they think it may be my gall bladder.  I have to go in for an ultrasound to check it out when I get back from Vegas and we'll go from there.  If the ultrasound comes back showing stones, it's bye-bye gallbladder for me.  Another surgery.  *sigh* 

Speaking of another surgery, it looks like my hubby may be banded sometime later this month or in May!  He's really nervous but we're both really excited to finally get this darn thing put in him so he can finally make his fitness goals a reality.  They're submitting everything to insurance this week.  Please keep your fingers crossed for an approval for him. 

Otherwise, not much else going on in my neck of the woods.  Thanks so much for the positive feedback on the pics.  I can definitely see the difference in my face and legs.  The stomach area still needs help.  I also found it's impossible to take pictures without my little one wanting to be part of the fun.  LOL.

Without further ado, your Monday DEMotivator:

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Progress Pics

Amazing how difficult finding before pictures are.  I have NO "before" profile pics so I did the best I could.

 The left is November 2010 (3 months after surgery) and the right is April 2011 (-50 lbs)

My Face

Full Body

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I know, I know...

I promised pictures.  And you will get them because I don't break promises.  But not today.  I have turned off the Internet at home which makes downloading pics and then sharing them a lot more difficult.  This week though...I promise.  And I better because I may be up a pound or two come next Monday.

This is not a good week.  We had a potluck at work which I made a delicious cake for (will post pics of that along with the progress pics) and I ate way too much.  I haven't planned well this week which is allowing more quick pick-up food than I'd like.  The choices haven't been great and the exercise has been nonexistent.  Argh!

I'm not going to the gym tonight.  Instead, I'll be doing my taxes.  Oh joy.  Oh bliss.  I hate taxes.  It's such a pain.  I've also decided that even with TurboTax, it's a pain my rear and I'm never doing them again.  I will save all my stuff and actually have a professional do my taxes next year because I just don't want to deal with it anymore.  So THERE!

I miss the working out.  This dawned on me on the way home yesterday.  For quite a few months, I was doing fairly long training walks every weekend (between 5-13 miles a pop) and doing shorter jaunts on the treadmill during the week.  It was so nice having that time to clear my head.  Now I do the treadmill at the gym...running (sort of) and I get that same feeling.  No kids to worry about, no husband to appease, no work to deal with, bills to pay and on and on, it goes.  There's something freeing in that.  There's also something really motivating in that.  So why haven't I made the effort to go back to the gym?  I have no idea.  One reason could be that I'm absolutely exhausted.  It does not matter what time I go to bed at night.  I wake up feeling exhausted.  I know exercising helps this.  But it doesn't change how it feels (vicious cycle, isn't it?).  My night terrors have been wreaking havoc with my sleep so I know that's contributing to the problem.  They usually get worse when I'm stressed out but I'm not particularly stressed about anything other than money.  I'm always stressed about money so this shouldn't be causing a big sleep disruption.  Lack of sleep also causes my eye to twitch .  You can imagine how lovely I'm looking these days.  LOL.

Work is work and home is home.  Nothing much new all around.  My hubby is having some weird reaction to sunblock so his face is all red, blotchy, swollen and he says it hurts.  Poor thing.  My oldest is going through growing pains, I think.  She's complaining about a pain in her hip area or like where the leg bone connects the hip bone (the hip bone's connected to the...).  She's been eating like crazy lately so I know she's going through a growth spurt and since I can't single out an activity that caused her leg to hurt, I'm chalking it up to growing pains but I still feel badly for her.  My youngest is going through a different kind of growing in the tyrannical 3's...I-don't-want-to-listen-to-anyone-much-less-mommy-and-I'm-going-to-throw-fits-for-no-real-reason 3's.  *sigh*

A little side note about my oldest and her eating.  I know it's gone around blogworld before, being worried that we'll pass our obesity on to our kids.  She had 3 helpings at dinner the other night!  I found myself asking her if she was sure she wanted more and that she doesn't have to finish everything.  This is the child who has flat out refused to eat dinner because she's just not hungry.  She eats when she's hungry and only eats until she's full so why did I let it worry me so much?  Last night she had 2 helpings of chicken and vegetables.  That's right.  2 helpings of chicken and vegetables, cleaned her plate and I thought "OMG! She's eating so much!"  Yeah...but do you see what she's eating??  Baked chicken and broccoli!  I shouldn't worry about this so much.  She's also always been skinny so I guess deep down I just really hope she stays that way.  I know it's a growth spurt and next week she'll go back to eating 3 bites and saying she's done but I can't help worrying anyway.

I realize this isn't an incredibly uplifting post but I've been preparing a properly positive post to go along with my progress pics.  I just haven't ironed it all out yet so instead, I'm giving you a few Hump Day Happy Thoughts:

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. ~Benjamin Franklin

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. ~Norm Papernick

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne 

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour. ~Author Unknown

Monday, April 4, 2011


Weigh In: 179.  -2.5 lbs from last week and a total of 50 lbs down so far! 

Progress pics and a more meaningful post will follow in the next couple days but here we go with the "What 50 pounds look like" pictures:

So whatever happens today...I can roll with it because...

Friday, April 1, 2011

Self Sabotage & How Far We've Come

TGIF!  Seriously...

So not a great week on the whole healthy train.  I'm trying to figure out why I have a cycle of doing awesome (the 5k, 3 lb loss) and then doing nada right after that.  It's as if I give myself a break from being healthy just because I've made some headway.  It's so stupid.  This week hasn't been absolutely terrible but it certainly hasn't been good either.  My food choices have only been so-so and I haven't worked out at all.  In Wednesday's post, I committed to working out today and Saturday.  That would be 2 days this week...not optimal but again, not terrible.  The pain in my shoulder is back (stupid breakfast sandwich) so no working out for me today.  I'm babying my band and only doing mushies today because I seriously aggravated it yesterday.  I don't know why motivation is lacking this week.

So while I was feeling all down about this and giving myself the "Bad Panda!" speech.  I started reading through my old posts.  The ones pre-banding when I was going through my insurance approval nightmares and I came across this post.  I wrote this almost exactly a year ago, on February 9, 2010.  This is the part that stands out to me.

I am a quitter. There I said it. I have this exact same follow through issue. I am 28 years old and I have never followed through with anything. This is why I don't have my degree, why I can't seem to lose this weight. This is how it is. I get very excited about things and then fizzle out. I was going to learn how to write calligraphy for my wedding invitations..bought all the stuff...not one invitation...not even a practice one. I've gone back to college 3 times after my original jaunt and still can't seem to complete my degree. I've started umpteen thousand diets and have quit them all. I've joined at least 4 gyms and never renewed 1 contract. Every year I buy 40 Christmas cards to mail to family and friends, and come Valentine's Day, they are still sitting on my desk. My daughters' baby books...oh lordy. My oldest' has 3 pages filled out and my youngest' has never even been opened.

So...all that aside. This is going to be my year. This why my 3 Day Walk and my lapband adventure are so important to me. They both require a real commitment. The financial commitments, the physical requirements, the mental preparedness. This is going to be the year that I don't quit. When my shins and ankles hurt from my C25k program...I'm not going to give up. When (not if, but WHEN) I'm banded and I hit a plateau, I'm not going to just say "Well, $#&! it! I'm eating a cake!" When I'm $500 away from my fundraising goal, I'm not going to just say, "It was a good try." I'm going to do it. I'm going to make it. I will be banded, I will lose this weight, I will run a 5k, I will raise the money I need for the Walk and I will finish said walk with a smile on my face. I will follow through on my goals. There must be more that I am meant to do this life than sit in a cubicle like a veal and waste away to nothing! No more Mrs. Quitter!

So I'm reading this yesterday and it dawns on me.  I have done everything I set out to do last year...just maybe not in 2010 specifically but pretty darn close to 12 months.  I got banded, did the Komen 3 Day and ran a 5k.  I didn't let my heel injury stop me from my big walk.  I didn't let the opting out of the Couch to 5k program stop me from my 5k and I didn't let a pesky insurance denial stop me from getting banded.  I followed through.  I've come to terms with the regrets in my life (I haven't really talked about it but mentioned it in this post here).  I've had bad eating weeks since being banded.  I didn't work out in almost the entire month of December but I keep going, I keep trying and I'm still losing.  That, in itself, is an accomplishment!

Another blogger (So sorry I don't remember which post) spoke of no longer using negative self talk in regards to her body.  When she looks in the mirror, she's only going to say nice things.  I commented that I didn't think I could do that...not yet.  For me, personally, THIS is what I need to work on.  The mental bashing I give myself when I go a little off plan or have a lazy week.  I don't let my poor eating get to me as much but when I'm not exercising (I feel so much better when I work out) and not eating well, I let these old "quitter" thoughts creep back in and think "Here we go again.  What are you going to quit this time?"  But the truth is, I'm not a quitter anymore.  3 BIG things I set out to do that required real commitment, I have done.  I am still married after 2 kids, a few rough years, big financial mistakes that undoubtedly make marriage more stressful and we're still here...almost 8 years later.  I still have the same job I've had for the last 7 years...this from someone who couldn't stay anywhere longer than a year.  Do I love my job?  The longer I'm here, the more I think I do.  Is it my destiny?  God no!  But who the heck knows what my destiny should be.  The point is the old Amanda was a quitter.  The new Amanda follows through and accomplishes her goals... even if it doesn't happen every single week.

So Spring is almost officially over here in AZ.  It's supposed to get up to 98 degrees today.  In honor of my home state, I've chosen an appropriate Friday Funny...