A Dose Of Honesty

So I don't think I set out to be misleading in my blog but I think I wasn't being honest with myself and was burying my feelings a bit so I wanted to put them out here as it's been awhile since Manda and Panda had a good heart to heart state of the union address.  I have been kicking butt on exercise...not every day but at least a few days a week and feeling really good about it.  Pushing my limits...challenging myself physically..all that good stuff.  The food, however, oh boy the food.  It's been a mess.  OK...so that's what you do know.  I've been very upfront about my opportunities to improve here.  What I may not have been upfront about was how I was FEELING about it.  I don't think I was upfront with MYSELF with how I was feeling about it.

So I went to my lapband doc on Friday as I had decided I need a fill before I move off to Florida.  I was also sick of reading about all these lapbanded folk who are full for hours on three tablespoons of food.  Seriously...I just can't understand how y'all are getting in 800 calories a day and aren't hungry.  I just don't get it.  I've never gotten my calories that low.  OK...I'm rambling...back to my point.  I decided as part of my recommitment, I had to get back to working this tool I had so I made an appointment for a fill.  I walk into the doc's office and he asks how I'm doing and it all comes spilling out of me.  I don't know where it came from.  I was about two minutes shy of having a full blown emotional breakdown right there in that little examination room.  So I'm going to tell you what I told him...as close to verbatim as I can make it.

I'm frustrated but it's beyond frustrated.  My weight is creeping up and for the first time in 2 years, I don't feel in control of my food or my eating or my health.  I'm scared.  I'm scared that I'm failing...that I will have spent all this time, money and energy and wind up right where I started.  I'm scared that if I can't lose weight after having surgery that it's hopeless.  It's the first time that I've honestly felt like I CAN'T get back on track.  That my willpower just won't do it for me.  That I was starting to feel a little hopeless about it all.

So I said all that.  And he nodded and "hmm'd."  And then he said this, "That's hunger hormones talking."  Say what?  Basically...that he knows I can lose because I've lost 70 lbs.  He knows I can eat right because I was eating right but I let myself go too long too loose.  "But doc!  You would think after 2 years, I'd have learned enough about myself and my eating to be able to lose or at least maintain without relying on perfect restriction."  He says if I could do that, I wouldn't have needed the band in the first place.  Now before people get all "He's giving you an excuse."  He really isn't.  He went on to say that yes, I could white knuckle it from here on out but why?  Why would I do that when I DON'T HAVE TO?  Then he said...you're hungry so you're eating.  You're snacking and yes, you're making some not-so-great choices about your snacking.  But the band in its right fill level can help make those choices easier and you know what?  I know that!  That's why I did so well for so long...it was EASY to make the right choice.  Then he continued, "We can fix it.  Don't worry...we can fix hungry and get you back on track."  And with that, I hopped up on to the table and got my fill.  I then picked up some soup on my way back to work.  Ate a bowl of soup and felt full and I stayed full until I ate dinner at 5.

There are times I forget why I chose the doctor I did and then there are days like Friday when it's made very clear to me.  And maybe it was just therapeutic getting all that gunk out of my system...all the fears and negativity that I didn't even realize I'd been garnering.

So that brings us to today.  My fill level feels really good.  I'm back to 3 small meals a day with minimal snacking and have lost 2 lbs over the weekend.  The weekend was busy.  Ron left on Saturday.  I miss him already.  This morning was my first "single mom school morning" and it went well.  The girls were good, they got to school on time and even with terrible traffic, I made it to work on time.  1 day down, 34 to go.

I finished the first item on my moving to-do list and went through the girls' closet.  That closet is now ready to move.  LOL.  Busy week ahead with Thanksgiving and all but will be blogging and checking in.

And in honor of this day of thanks, a Monday DEMotivation:

And because I was torn between 2 and just couldn't decide which I liked better, you get a double dose today.  You're welcome.

Got a Fill and Other Stuff

So I got my fill yesterday.  Again, I feel the need to reiterate how important it is to keep in touch with your doctor.  I admit I was a little nervous that he'd be "disappointed" or that I'd get a lecture or something on my lack of progress the last year.  Nope.  All he said was not to wait so long next time.  I'm not sure how I'm feeling at this fill level yet.  I've only been on liquids and mushies...probably won't have real food until lunch so hopefully this brings me back up to a good level of restriction and we can kickstart the weight loss a little bit.

So a new first for me - I walked out of an exercise class last night.  I have never done this before.  In classes where it felt like I would die, I would modify, keep moving and make it through.  This time, I could do it.  I just didn't want to.  We had a substitute instructor this week and she was absolutely terrible.  It was all lunges and squats and way too many reps on one particular muscle group at a time.  This class combines cardio, core and weight training so form and what not is pretty important.  My knee had about had it with the constant pressure from the lunges and squats.  But on top of that I could feel my form was off because I was feeling it in my lower back which you should NEVER feel if you're lifting weights.  There was just no variety, no break for a particular muscle group and she didn't work the legs evenly.  I left halfway through.  I didn't care what anyone else thought (i.e. "Ohhhh....the fatty couldn't handle it," etc.) because someone was going to get hurt and it wasn't going to be me.  I finished out the last half hour doing my own weight routine with more leg sets than I usually do and called it good.  I kept looking in the class and they just kept repeating the same stuff with only 5 minutes of abs (usually closer to 10) and I didn't see ANY stretching at the end!  Ugh.  I got the sub's name from the front desk so I know better if she's ever teaching anything else.  Good news:  I added 2 more sit ups so a new PR of 33 and a little closer to my goal of being able to do 100 before the end of the year...I'm 1/3 of the way there!  :)

So checking in:
List of NO's:
No fast food. Semi Check - Hit Boston Market after the gym (not REALLY fast food but kinda) but only got mashed potatoes and turkey tortilla soup since was on liquids/mushies
No carbonation. Check
No Starbucks.  Eek! 1
No pasta, rice or bread. Check
No chocolate, candy or sweets.  Check
No juice, milk or sugary drinks.  Check

List of WILL's:
I will work out at least 4 times this week.  1/4
I will limit the amount of processed foods I eat.  Check
I will go to sleep at a decent hour.  Check
I will be kind to myself.  Check - Feeling good!
I WILL stay on plan.  Have to hunker down on the Starbucks...

And so it's Tuesday...another day at work and another day not wanting to be at work.  Ah well.  Tis life.  Got spin class tonight...should be good!  :)  Let's do this!

Baseball and Peanuts...

Go together like peanut butter and jelly.  Mmmmmm...peanut butter and jelly.

Anyway...I went to a baseball with my parents last night and indulged in a couple drinks, peanuts and a hot dog.  I was surprised by how much I wanted a beer...beer, peanuts, baseball...perfect trifecta but totally not worth the carbonation pain that would follow.  A couple pics...

My parents  :)

Dbacks lost but had a good time at the game.  The seats were awesome...13th row from the visitor's dugout.  Hands down the closest tickets I've ever had.  Thanks to Mom and Dad for the invite!

That DOES mean I didn't make it to the gym yesterday.  Between being on conference calls from 8 a.m. until I left at 2 pm, kids' homework, baths, dinner and the game...I'm feeling the need to get a good workout in.  The plan today...Spin class AND weight training if I can manage it.  Depends on if the class fills up before I can get there.  Time to start making stuff happen.  On that note...let's talk about fills.

So, my last fill was in December.  I believe it brought me to 6.5 or somewhere close in a 10 cc band.  It really didn't do a whole lot.  I probably should have gone back in February or March and gotten gotten another one but that's about the time I had my trip to ER and the other medical bills started pouring in and I simply didn't want to deal with another doctor or insurance or anything else.  Then I started playing the game that I've consistently railed against on my blog.  I don't want the doc to "yell at me" so I want to lose x number of pounds before I go in.  Ladies and gents, this is stupid.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, the docs are there to help.  If they give you a talking-to, you probably deserve it.  Pull up your big girl panties, go and take your medicine.  I've really been paying attention to how much I'm eating and how long I'm staying full and I'm due for a fill...have been due for six months at least.  The hope at this point is the doc will give me one (don't know why he wouldn't) and it'll give me that little extra push I need to finally reach my goals.  I'm also thinking of going crazy paleo...keep threatening that but now that I've got a Sprouts nearby, it may be quite a bit easier.  We shall see.

So that's all I got today.  Hope your week is off to a great start!

2 Year Bandiversary

So it's been two years since I've had this little plastic ring placed around my stomach.  How have I fared?  Well, I don't have many deep or heart wrenching thoughts about my second year bandiversary so we'll start with the numbers...

   

I've lost a total of 74 lbs and 14 points from my BMI.  I've lost a total of 44 inches all over my body.  You'll notice only ten of those lbs and 5 of those inches were lost this year.  Am I disappointed with my second year?  Yes.  But I want to be very clear about what I'm disappointed about.  Am I disappointed with my band?  No.  This was all me.  I got lazy and I got complacent.  The band took me as far as it could go and it was up to me to get me the rest of the way.  I didn't get it done.  But I'm still so happy with how far I've come in 2 years and I didn't gain...that's the most important thing.  Am I giving up hope?  Never!  This year saw some great NSV's....

• I've run 4 5k's this year!
• 2 5k's in one day!
• I've broken out of my shell a little bit and engage in social behaviors!
• I'm taking impromptu fitness classes!
• I'm looking for active things to do - groupons to rock climbing (which I still need to actually spend), taking the stairs, etc.
• I'm not associating food with the movies anymore...once in awhile I won't get popcorn if I'm not hungry.
• I did 43 floors on a stairmaster!
• I'm able to do so much more without being sore or achy or just worn out for the day - cleaning the garage for 4 hours...like it's nothing.  I can walk for HOURS!
• I can fit into my high school graduation dress.
• My high school class ring fits!
• I can walk sexy in a skirt - my hips (and yes, you can now tell I have some) actually swivel!
• I can wear an apron that ties all the way around to the FRONT.
• "One Size Fits All" fits me!
• Seat belts on planes are no problem but more than that...my thighs don't even touch the sides of the armrest AND I can cross my legs on the plane!
• 11 mile hike - not so bad!
• I wore a work out tank top in PUBLIC!
• My Inner Demon isn't as loud as he used to be and I think even HE'S starting to enjoy this new body..instead of telling me not to work out at all, he tells me to make it a short one
• No more granny panties!
• I did a turkey trot with my daughter...we ran...in public...in front of others...and built a lasting memory and maybe a new tradition.
• I wore a shirt tucked in for the first time in years.
• I can bake stuff without sampling now.
• I haven't had a soda or beer in MONTHS.
• I'M MORE HAPPY WITH ME!!!

So there you go.  That's a year worth celebrating regardless of what the scale or measurements say.  Is Year 3 too late to reach goal?  Absolutely not!  Writing this post has truly reinvigorated my resolve and motivation.  Maybe that's all that's been lacking this year.  So...without further ado...the progress pic...

How I Do What I Do

So I've picked up some new followers here the last week or so and have gotten some questions about my workout regimen, my diet, the band (fill levels, etc.) and so forth.  So I'm going to give a little run down.

Exercise:  OK...I am so hit and miss with this.  But when I'm top of my game (and I really really was for like 13 months and then slacked for 9), I combine cardio with strength training.  A lot of women don't like strength training because they don't want to get "bulky."  Trust me when I say it takes a heck of a lot more work than most of us are willing to put in to become bulky.  What it will help with is toning and inches and generally feeling good about everything.  Is exercise necessary for weight loss?  No.  Absolutely not.  Is it necessary to be healthy?  Probably.  I also don't think you need to join a gym to get your exercise in.  I do.  But that's just me and I don't get enough regular activity in to lose weight without it.  I'd love to get more generally active doing things like rock climbing, kayaking, etc.  And I'd love it if I could ride my bike to work, but that ain't happening but it all COUNTS.  For me...It's 30-60 minutes of cardio and then 30 minutes of strength training.  At least right now.  I'm training for the Warrior Dash and have to work on my upper body strength.  The cardio can be anything but it tends to be the treadmill.  Yesterday, I did 8.5 miles on a stationary bike so I like to change it up.  The classes I've tried and liked are Zumba and Step with circuit training.  I'd LOVE to try crossfit but the budget does not welcome it right now and it's my opinion that if you're going to do crossfit, you must go to a certified place because you risk serious injury if you don't do it right.

Wanted to add that despite my unmotivation yesterday, I DID go to the gym.  I got in a great workout and felt good about it.  Must remember how nice it feels.  Not working out today as we're going swimming but I'll be sure to tread water and run around in the pool to get some activity in.  :)

Food:  The goal is Paleo.  That is no processed food at all (no grains, rice, pasta, dairy, anything from a box).  Try to eat as naturally and organically as possible, the way caveman did.  I'm not full on paleo.  But I'm trying and I think eventually I'll get there minus the dairy.  I can't see giving up cheese and milk forever.  Yesterday, I faltered and had rice with lunch.  Still below my calories for the day.  I keep track of my calories right now with MFP (which drives my husband crazy!) but paleo doesn't think you need to track that at all.  I won't get into the Science of paleo and why it works and why it's better and all that.  Truth is, I just like the idea of getting rid of all the chemicals and processed junk that we probably shouldn't be ingesting.  Many of you are now saying, "It sounds a lot like low carb, Manda..."  And you're right.  It's very similar.  Except you aren't counting anything or doing math like sugar - fiber - sugar alcohols = net carbs and stuff like that.  Also, there are no limits on fruits and vegetables.  The only thing they're kinda nitpicky on is corn is a grain and peanuts are legumes and both are no-no's.  Obviously, I'm not quite here yet but I'm working on it and am trying to incorporate a more paleo lifestyle day by day.  I seriously believe in moderation though.  I don't have any "never" foods.

The Band:  I have 6.5 cc's in my band (I think).  I also THINK it's a 10 cc band.  I have been banded 2 years this coming August (expect a big ol' post about that).  I can eat WAY MORE than 1 1 /2 cups of food.  The band does not stop me from eating because me being the quick learner I am, I've learned that if I eat slowly enough, I can eat whatever I want and however much of it I want.  The truth is though is that I feel satisfied on 1 1/2 cups of food and won't be hungry again for a few hours.  That being said, I could probably use a fill and may go in and get one soon.  But I like that I don't PB often or get stuck often or things like that.  I like that I can eat out with little worry of having to rush to the bathroom.  I've seen the horror stories of being too tight for too long and the damage it can do.  I'm just trying to avoid it.  Earlier, I said I have no "never" foods.  Well, I don't but my band does.  Basically, it's fast food Chinese.  I will PB on cheap sweet and sour chicken every. single. time.  But otherwise, I can eat it all...bread, soft pretzels (very slowly), cake (again, slowly...for some reason, cake's a tough one), biscuits, tortillas (they're tough but I can do it).  I know when I'm eating Sonic blasts and fried stuff all the time that the only thing that kept me from gaining the last 6 months was my band.  I can eat like crap and maintain.  Good to know but not where I want to be.

So there you have it.  How I do what I do and what I strive to be.  Nothing too complicated about it, I'm afraid.  So now I need some help from you.

I guess the issue I'm having with unfollowing people is because google did away with FriendConnect in March or something.  Is anyone else getting the error when they try to manage their blogs that they can't locate the information.  I can add blogs to follow but can't unfollow any because I can't manage them!  With new followers coming along, I'd like to follow along but running out of room and have a lot of bloggers on my scroll bar that haven't blogged in over a year!  Please help if you can!  I'm getting nowhere with getting help from google and I don't want to have to create a whole new blog or whatever to fix this.  

In light of my frustration with technology, our Friday Funny:

Banded Plication

So I just heard about this and found it interesting.  There's a new WLS available called banded plication.  A link explaining the procedure fully is here.  Basically the idea is they combine making the actual stomach smaller with a band to bring the benefits of both a bypass and a band.  They fold the stomach over, basically creating one half the size and then place the band.  There's another link here that goes on to say how 23% of banded patients have complications such as slippage, erosion, port flips, etc.  That number sounds higher than I remember but perhaps I had rose colored glasses on.  I found this part particularly interesting -

Recently, the idea of combining the two procedures sort of a “belt and suspenders” type approach was introduced.  The theory behind this technique is that the plication is performed to begin the initial weight loss process.  The weight loss continues as the patient changes their behavior through proper eating habits and exercise.  If the patients then down the road, usually 8 months to a year later, slows to lose all the weight that they would like or if the weight loss plateaus, then the band adjustments begin.  This theoretically might decrease complications associated with the band might as many of the bands complications i.e. port site infection, flippage etc, are related to adjustments of the band.


I admit the idea of being able to do something new a year out of surgery to re-jump the weight loss is certainly appealing.  I also wonder if it provides somewhat of a safety net.  There's still no cutting, they're not rerouting anything directly to your intestines or anything.  So if plication doesn't work, you have the band and vice versa.  Would we see as many band removals this way?  Would we see less people spending thousands of dollars on surgery only to find that it wasn't the right surgery for them?  In a lot of ways, I imagine this would be a money saver in a sense.  It's still laproscopic so they can do 2 procedures in one and if you find yourself stalled,  you still have OPTIONS.  Studies are still early and big studies comparing this procedure to RNY or sleeve haven't even been done yet so it seems fairly new.


Anyway, what really interested me in this is that I heard from my doctor's newsletter that he'll be doing these as well.  I wonder if it's due to a lack of successful patients?  I've always loved my doc and he's big on aftercare and support groups and all that and it's easy to get scheduled for fills and unfills, etc.  Anyway, I found this interesting and would love to hear your thoughts on it.  

Great Weekend - Crappy Monday

So this weekend was oodles of fun and I hope to have pictures posted soon.  Friday night, we took my dad to a local wing place for his birthday.  With my mom out of town, I think he appreciated the company and I know my girls had been missing Grandpa.  Saturday, we hit up the Ren Fest as planned.  The girls loved it and I admit I had a better time there than I usually do.  I ate about 1/5 of a turkey leg, half a steak on a stake and a caramel apple.  It was all delicious.  Maddie (my oldest) even got pulled up on stage for one of the shows to participate in plate spinning.  She was very excited.  We also went out Hubby's friends Saturday night to celebrate his birthday.  A good number of people showed up and we partied like we were in our 20's again.

Sunday was pretty laid back.  Picked up breakfast for everyone and then dropped my niece off at home.  We spent a good hour at a nearby park, letting the girls burn off some energy.  Nothing too exciting that day until later that night...

When I started having sharp, shooting pains on my left side.  It hurt when I tried to take a deep breath, when I laughed or sneezed.  By 2 a.m., I felt nauseous and just couldn't handle the pain...thought about going to the ER but finally found a pain free position and decided to stick it out until morning.  Morning came and the pain was worse so off to Urgent Care I went.  The Urgent Care doc thought it was a kidney stone but couldn't be sure so he sent me to the ER.  8 hours in the ER and no kidney stone.  They did a CT scan and found some inflammation around my band and think it's an infection.  They called my lapband doc to see how to proceed.  I'm now on antibiotics and pain killers.  While I'm sitting in the ER, I got the call from my dad that my Grandma had passed away.  Not sure when the services will be but I'm planning on leaving Wednesday or Thursday.  Hoping to be able to finalize that today.  Tickets are expensive but you do what you gotta do.  Overall, it was one of the worst Mondays ever.

This morning is not off to a great start.  I woke up feeling weak and nauseous.  I got to work and threw up.  Well...sorta.  There really wasn't anything to come up and that's when it hit me that I took my pain pills last night on an empty stomach.  In fact, the only thing I ate ALL DAY yesterday was 3 mini chimi's (and not even all 3) and 1/3 serving of fried ice cream.  Can't imagine why I'm feeling weak.  So I grabbed some breakfast on my way in and am hoping I feel better as the day goes on.  I have my essure confirmation test this morning as well to make sure I am no longer Ms. Fertile Myrtle.  That's going to be icky but must be done.  So I get to leave work, go get my test and then come back to work and then make sure I make it home pronto when I get off so Hubby can make it to his interview on time.  Not sure I'm up for all this running around today but we'll see.  I called in yesterday but couldn't call in again today since I'll be out of the office later this week.  Ugh.

So that was my unplanned "long" weekend.  Started off good...just wishing yesterday would've been better.  Overall, this isn't going to be a great week.  Hope y'all are having a good week so far.  I don't know how much reading I'll be getting in as work is going to be hectic but I'll comment where I can.

Irritated

My band, that is.  After my lunchtime fiasco, my band slammed shut for the rest of the day.  I managed only a couple bites of dinner before it all came back up.  Hate when that happens.  I could actually feel liquids slide down last night so will be taking it easy on the food front today.

Random Fun Fact - Oreo celebrated its 100th birthday yesterday!  You can read about this fun cookie here but I think we can all agree that Oreos are the best thing EVER.  I think we should change the old expression of "the best thing since sliced bread" to the "best thing since oreos."  We should start a movement.  Who's with me?  My question for you all is "What's your favorite way to eat an oreo?"  Personally, I'm a dunker.

Not a whole lot going on in my little world.  No update about my grandmother since Friday.  I need to give my mom a call sometime today to see what's up and when she might be coming back to town.  The girls are on spring break next week.  We're not doing anything particularly special. Hubby is staying home with them the first 3 days and I'm working from home the last 2 days so we don't have to pay double daycare for the week.  I need to think of some things to occupy their time.  I think I may take them to get some portraits done.  It's been awhile and I love having pics of both of them dressed up and cute.

Otherwise I'm just trying to get through this workweek.  It seems long.  Last night, my youngest woke me up at 12:30 with a nightmare, than an owl start hooting right outside my window at 2 and then my next door neighbor (we share walls) had to get up and get his kid ready at 4.  It's like the world was conspiring against me sleeping for some reason.  I feel like pulling a Dawnya and catching a power nap in my car during my lunch break.  Ahhhh...we'll see.

How about a Hump Day Happy Thought to get us through until Friday?

Thank God For High Walls

So I brought fish for lunch today and halfway through my little fillet, I got horribly, horribly stuck.  Did I stop shoving fish into my mouth during that first slow bite?  Of course not.  Quickly, the slime started rising.  I ran to the bathroom, got out what I could as quietly as possible but at least I was in a stall.  I could tell I didn't quite get it but hoped against hope that it would go down as the afternoon progressed.  I got back to my desk at 12:27 and by 12:28 realized that the saliva wasn't going to stay down and was just about to bolt to the restroom again when my boss asks if I'm available at 12:30.  "Available for what?" I asked.  "A call with ____."  "Ummmm....Sure."  What do I do?  I know I can't make it through a half hour call without this coming up but I can't very well leave the call where I actually have to contribute to go to the restroom to PB.  So I get on the call, can barely squeak out my name and they ask if I or the other one from my team wants to give a quick overview.  Teammate wants me to take it but I just can't....I know I can't talk with yakking so I defer to him frantically look around my ridiculous neat desk (I'm uberorganized at work) for something to PB in. Queue the starbucks cup from our staff meeting earlier in the morning (about once a month my team goes to Starbucks to chat and yes, I know, I know...Coffee House coffee).  Yes, ladies and gents, right there in my Starbucks cup in the middle of my cubicle, I PB'd as quietly as I possibly could while muted on a call.  Then got interrupted mid-PB with a question which I answered and then back to PB'ing I went.  I finally found relief about halfway through the call.  Ugh.  All I can say is thank God I got that promotion and I now have high cube walls or that would've been VERY ugly.

Next Challenge?

notice that I would always have a PB or two the week before I was supposed to take the sugar pills and that was easy to track.  Well, I went off BC last month and I'm PMS'ing a bit and sure enough, that band has tightened up.  Couple that with the stress and I've got PERFECT restriction!  I'm not getting "stuck" really...things are just moving very slowly down and I can still eat but can't eat very much AT ALL before I just can't eat anymore.  Makes me think I've never quite been in the green zone before now.

Anyway, ladies and gents...I'm scared to death to do this but it listed as a goal on my 2012 list.  The Warrior Dash.  The link is here.  Seriously...this thing is INTENSE.  I don't think I have the upper body strength to do it, but it's only 3.28 miles and then 12 freakin' obstacles throughout...like jumping over fires, climbing a water wall, mesh netting, military crawl, etc.  This thing is CUH-RAZY!  Proceeds benefit St. Jude's but I'm really intimidated about this thing.  I would need to start training NOW for it.  I'm also thinking I need this shirt.  I don't know ladies...freaks me out.  It's also like $70 but you get a free beer and tshirt at the end.  LOL.  What do you think?  Do I go for it?

Another issue is it's the same day as the Glow Run which I wanted to do.  Obviously way less intense but I like the idea of this event.  Then I had this crazy idea of doing the Warrior Dash in the morning and just walking the 5k that night.  I know that sounds absolutely insane and unrealistic but it's an idea bopping around my head.  That's only 6 miles in a day...with crazy obstacles in the first one.  Hmmmm....decisions, decisions.

In other news, the parent/teacher conference went really well.  We discussed some of the concerns we've had since the beginning of this substitute fiasco with Maddie's teacher and she completely understood and was very honest about the environment she came into.  It was about as big a mess as we thought.  We also found out that Maddie is one of the top in the class on reading comprehension and math, which is awesome. We're having her tested for the gifted program either this year or next just to see if she needs to be challenged a little bit more.  No big behavioral issues, she's just kind of a control freak which we already knew and have been working on basically since birth.

I also realized this week that I've got an image problem again.  For the last few months, I didn't mind looking at pictures of myself.  However, after the hike last weekend, I hated the pictures of me.  I look fat again.  Obviously, I don't look any fatter than I have in other photos (since I lost 2 lbs since the last photo, duh) and that bright yellow isn't very flattering on ANYONE, but my perspective has changed.  This is the new fat panda.  I am no longer content and I think that's going to make a big difference in my motivation (or lack thereof recently).  It's a little disappointing to feel this way after coming so far but not altogether surprising as I'm not at goal.  I'm 30 lbs from the goal I set for myself at the beginning of all this so why did I think I'd stay content 30 lbs away?  So the motivation's coming back...I can feel it...I want it.  And it feels good.

Now, for a Friday Funny -

Make A List Monday - Shoulder Pain Theory

Welcome to Make A List Monday .  Lovely Robyn will put a category out there and your job is to copy and paste the question to your blog and make a list of up to 10 things that match the category.

The category for Make A List Monday is: You are forced to use the 10 items or less line at the grocery store and can only go to the store once a week.  What will be in your cart?

1. Chicken breasts

2. Coffee

3. Eggs

4. Milk

5. Frozen Veggies

6. Apples

7. Cheese

8. Breakfast sandwiches

9. Beef (whatever's on sale)

10. Clif Bars

Keep in mind...I have a family of four.  My oldest takes her lunch every day and Hubby works from home so this is just the food I would need for me.  There's no way I can feed all of us 10 items or less. LOL.  Also, I picked things on a relatively healthy eating week, but not paleo.  So excluded from this list, is a Starbucks gift card, fritos, ice cream and little debbie snacks.

Oh! I had forgotten to touch on this the last few posts but wanted to share my little experiment.  For anyone who doesn't know, I have had off and on shoulder pain ever since being banded.  Early on, I asked my doc about it and he said it was due to eating too fast, causes the stoma to stretch, rub against the diaphragm and creates referred pain in my shoulder.  Made sense.  Well, the pain had become more frequent and even when paying extra close attention to what I was eating, how much, how fast, etc., it was still happening.  So I started paying even closer attention and I think I finally hit on it.  Carbonation!  I can link back each day that the pain started with either having a soda or beer.  Not lots, mind you.  Maybe even just a few sips.  So last week, I gave up carbonation.  So far, pain free.  I even had one time where I knew I ate too much at one sitting but still no pain.  So I think I'm on to something.  I also think that maybe the reason I have this and a lot of other people don't (including my hubby) is because I'm short.  I'm 5 foot even so I figure all my organs are smushed up a little more than everyone else so my stoma doesn't have to stretch as much to hit other organs.  I know that's completely unscientific but this is my theory.  Anyway, since soda and beer are just empty calories anyway and I should never have started drinking them again in the first place, this is a good study for me.  I shall keep you posted.  If the pain comes back, I'll know it's something else.

Lap Band Non Story

Time for another edition of "What's Buggin' Panda in the News!"  In USA Today - there's this fabulous lapband story about 2 surgery centers halting lapband surgery while they "investigate."  Investigate what, you ask?  Excellent question.  The link is here but I'm going to copy and paste the entire thing because it's super short.  My comments are in blue.

LOS ANGELES – Two Los Angeles-area outpatient clinics affiliated with the 1-800 GET-THIN marketing company have temporarily stopped Lap-Band weight-loss surgeries while they conduct a review of the procedure.  This makes you think there's something inherently wrong with the band as a product or the procedure as a surgery, right?  Well, keep reading.

• 
  AP
  The LAP-BAND System is displayed. The Food and Drug Administration expanded approval to patients with a body mass index between 30 and 40 and one weight-related medical condition, such as diabetes or high blood pressure.

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AP

The LAP-BAND System is displayed. The Food and Drug Administration expanded approval to patients with a body mass index between 30 and 40 and one weight-related medical condition, such as diabetes or high blood pressure.

The move follows Irvine-based Allergan's announcement last week that it would stop selling the device to companies affiliated with the ad campaign.  What campaign?  What were they doing?  So wait...the clinics are stopping to investigate what exactly?  This makes  it sound like it's something the clinic is doing wrong.  Hmmm....

The New Life Surgery Center in Beverly Hills and Valley Surgical Center in West Hills say have stopped performing Lap-Band surgeries while they perform "a top-to-bottom review medical and operational review."

The Lap-Band is a ring surgically implanted around the stomach to discourage patients from overeating and to help them lose weight.  Concise but I'll go with it.

The marketing company has been the target of state and federal investigations in recent months.  So is it the marketing company, the clinics or Allergan's problem????

So there you have it.  How many people will look at the headline of this article, assume it's another lapband horror story and move on?  This story tells us ABSOLUTELY nothing.  And yet, it's on the front page of USA Today...granted in the health section but STILL.  WLS has enough dissenters with actual FACTS behind them...they don't need scary headlines that have nothing of substance behind them to help.  


End of rant.  

Shopping and Fill

So I did some shopping yesterday.  My incredibly awesome mom gave me mucho dinero to buy clothes with.  This was her Christmas gift to me.  No, it's not "What Not To Wear" new wardrobe kind of  money but it was very generous.  Now I could think of a dozen other things to do with this money.  In the past, monetary gifts have gone towards bills, stuff for the kids, car repairs I had been putting off, etc.  This year, I committed to ME and spending it on ME. So I did.  I bought 4 new pairs of pants for work, a few shirts, 2 new camis and a sweater.  I was going to buy the first dress I've bought in a long time but instead bought a new pair of jeans.  I wasn't looking for jeans but had to buy them because of what the jeans SAID.

Uh huh.  Vera Wang Size 12 ULTRA SKINNY!

And me in the jeans....kinda blurry. sorry.

All the pants were a size 12 but I did squeeze into a size 10 and was able to zip them up but they weren't flattering.  I spent all of the money and I don't feel guilty about it...not one bit.  OK...maybe a little guilty, especially since I'm hoping they're transitional clothes but I was feeling pretty frumpy in my current stuff.


I also got a fill yesterday.  Last one of the year and last one where I only have to pay a copay.  I really hope I don't need another one any time soon...our "fill budget" will be completely taken up by Hubby's stuff this year, I think.  Anywhoozle...I weighed in on the doc's scale at 160.5 lbs.  Their scale always runs a lb or two heavier than mine (and I'm fully dressed on theirs as opposed to when I weigh in at home) so I'm actually not too upset about this.  It was only a 1 lb loss from my last fill though.  I could tell the doc was hesitant to give me another one as we both agree some poor choices are the main problem but he caved and gave me a small fill anyway.  I also found out that we'll save more money by going to self pay once my insurance changes over at the beginning of the year.  The office visits aren't as expensive as I thought they would be that way so I was relieved to get that straightened out yesterday as well.  So far, so good with this fill.  I'm hoping this jump starts some weight loss for me.

So what else might jump start my weight loss?  Perhaps the 5k I've decided to run in January.  That color run I've been talking about?  I'm doing it.  I start training Monday..got a 4 week program figured out so that should definitely help shed some pounds also.  I finished my last 5k in 40:35.  We're going to see if we can beat that.  I may have someone running with me and it's just a fun run/walk, not a race so we'll see.  Not gonna stress over it.  The main thing is to run the whole thing.

So that was my Hump Day happy place...a little shopping, a little fill... all good stuff. I'm taking tomorrow off so I'm happy it's my Friday.  Preview of what's up next on Panda's blog:  New Year goals and my "word" for the year.  Hope y'all have a great weekend and a fantastic New Year!

New Mindset?

So JRD at Canuck Bandit Musings got me thinking about changing mindsets and the band.  She's 5 months into banding and you can read her post from the link about how she feels she's mentally changing.  I was about to hijack her post by leaving a ridiculously long comment about my own musings on this but decided to just post it out in my own space as not to hog hers.  So...have I made the necessary mental changes in the last 16 months?  Yes... and... No.

Yes - Despite feeling like a failure the last couple months as I hover around 160, I finally reminded myself that I'm hovering around 160!!!  Seriously...since when has hovering around 160 been a bad thing in this fatty's life?  I was hovering around 230 for YEARS before I got the band.  Why is 160 suddenly a reason to think of myself as a failure?  Some things had to have mentally changed for me to not be gaining.  To be maintaining at a weight 70 lbs below my highest that I had maintained for at least 2 years is definitely something to be celebrated.  Sure...the band is definitely there doing what it's supposed to do but we all know that it's surprisingly easy to eat around that piece of plastic...eat sliders, graze all day, etc.  Perhaps some of these changes have become such habit (not snacking throughout the day on a bunch of crap, avoiding the candy bowl at work, etc) that I don't even think about them anymore.  Isn't that the definition of an actual mental change?  Not just noticing that I'm not doing these things but not even noticing it at all.  I'm not sure if that last part made sense but it's dawning on me that some of the good habits are becoming just that...HABITS.  Only having a couple sodas a month as opposed to 1 or 2 every day.  That's a habit...I don't even think about it anymore.  What I DO notice is when I revert...when I DO have a couple sodas in just one weekend, I feel blech about it...not guilty that I had done it but I can actually FEEL the effect that having those extra calories and sugar had on my body...the old me wouldn't have noticed that...just would've noticed that I strayed from plan and chastise myself for it.  I'd feel GUILT in my head...but not the blah feeling in my BODY.  It's a subtle difference but it's there.  Am I perfect?  God no!  But that's OK because I don't feel like I have to be in order to reach my goals...and I still feel like I will...regardless of how long I've been where I'm at.

No - Exercise is still one of those things.  For a year, I did great.  I was working out, using my gym membership (which I allowed to lapse due to financial stuff), running, setting physical goals for myself and then actually attaining them.  Yet...it never became HABIT.  Not like ordering water or iced tea at a restaurant instead of soda.  It still took a lot of mental effort to get my butt to that gym every day.  The fat girl in me would just prefer laying around and doing absolutely nothing than get up and go for a run.  And the second my life started getting the way of the activity, I used it as an excuse to let it slide.  I think this will be my focus in the new year.  Figuring out what it's going to take to make this a habit.  I still want to reward myself with food and I still want to turn to food when I'm upset, sad, angry, hurt or even happy.  I want to celebrate with it (just a lot less of it).  So that's something else to work on.  I haven't honestly put forth the mental effort of answering the question "Why do I eat?"

So those are my thoughts on mental changes.  Do I think that I could've made these changes without the band?  No.  Do I think if my band were taken out tomorrow that I could maintain these losses?  Truthfully, no.  That's my biggest fear.  So for all my mental accomplishments...I know I'm not doing this alone.  I know I still have a lot to learn and a lot to do before I could even contemplate life without my helper.  I also think it's something I'll always struggle with and have to think about and THAT'S OK.  At least I'll be able to do it in a current size 12 or hopefully smaller.

So my question to you...

Have YOU made the mental changes necessary for long term success?

NSV & A Fill

So I got a fill yesterday.  I lost 2 lbs since the last time I was at the doc's office 2 months ago.  Not good.  It's these same 2 lbs I've been battling FOREVER.  So doc asked what happened.  I said "Hunger and bad choices."  He said, "I can take care of the hunger part."  I said, "I'll work on the choices."  So there ya go.  I got my fill.  I had turkey chili when we went out last night and no issues so we'll see if this fill does anything.

We had a good time last night.  We were invited to Hubby's friends' house to go trick or treating with their girls.  I have great pics of the whole group but couldn't get them on my computer to post today so you get stuck with the pic of my girls I took on my phone.  They're still cute.

NSV:  I didn't eat ANY, not one single solitary piece of candy yesterday.  I didn't sample what we were giving out, I didn't steal any of my daughters' stuff.  Not one piece of chocolate or candy corn or even the chocolate covered pretzels our hostess had made.  I had my turkey chili and a little rum & coke (it's all about choices people!) and that was it.  Amazing.

I'm a little late but have decided to do "Meet Me on Monday"

From Never Growing Old it's Meet Me on Monday. Where we answer 5 questions to get to know each other better. This week's questions:

1. My current weather is _______? 65 degrees.  I know you people in Northeast are going to hate me but I'm seriously sick of the warm water.  It got up to 90 yesterday.  90!  On Halloween!  It's very hard to get into the holiday spirit when it still feels like summer.

2. What is your favorite sound? My girls' belly laughs.

3. What is the worst flavor of ice cream? Anything with cherries

4. What magazine do you look for when you are stuck in the waiting room? Any kind of trashy entertainment magazine...I'm a sucker for them.

5. What is your favorite condiment? Ranch!  It's good on anything!

So How'd I Do?

Eh.  I ate my chicken, cheese and lunch.  Had 2 bites of the girls' cookies.  Had the pulled pork WITH the bun with coleslaw and sweet potato fries.  So I didn't have the apple later since I had the bun.  Definitely better than the day before.  Today I've got a breakfast sandwich that I'll eat here in a little bit, the rest of the pulled pork (without the bun) and cole slaw.  Goal: No snacking today.

I did call the doc for a fill yesterday.  I have an appointment on Halloween.  I also made my health insurance enrollment selections.  They're changing our plans entirely and the lap band doc is a "specialist" which means I'll be paying out of pocket until I hit my deductible.  No bueno.  That'll add up quick.  So gotta get to a good restriction place before the end of the year...meaning not too loose AND not too tight.  We'll see how this shakes out.  This health insurance thing is really ticking me off.  All the preventive care is free but now we've got to hit deductibles and co-insurance maximums before ANYTHING else is covered at 80%.  AND they're taking out significantly more per paycheck.  So here's hoping we don't have any major issues in the coming year because a $3000 deductible is pretty daunting.  Ugh.  I'm not going to get all political on you guys but these increases and these changes suck and I don't see it getting any better anytime soon.

So yesterday morning, the hiring manager for that position asked if I was available for the third interview yesterday afternoon.  So I had my third interview with HER boss.  I think it went pretty well.  We seemed to have a good rapport.  It was still kind of short but it could just be because they don't have to drag examples out of me.  I'm learning how to toot my own horn.  Or it could be because they feel no need to ask anymore because they've pretty much already made up their minds...either yay or nay.  So I've gone through all the interviews.  All I can do is sit back and wait to hear something.  I hate the waiting but at least I'm not nervous about interviews anymore.  I think I've done all I can do.

This weekend is going to be VERY low key as I have NO money until payday on the 31st so it's going to be a lot of hanging out at home this weekend with my kids who have been driving me crazy the last few days.  I don't know if it's something in the air but they just aren't being good.  So I leave with a kid related Friday Funny:

Can I Get Through 1 Day...

Without eating like crap?!?!?!?

I'm not convinced.  Yesterday was just a crapfood festival.  Not as bad as this past weekend but I had Sbux for breakfast, half a chocolate muffin, Mexican food for lunch, a snack bag of Fritos and then country fried steak for dinner.  No bueno.  *sigh*  It's not even the type of food that's bugging me as much as the fact that it's all store bought, restaurant, processed crap.  If I had made every one of those things at home, I would've felt a little better about it.

So what's the plan for today?  I brought some deli chicken and cheese for breakfast.  I brought my own coffee with just my bit of cream and sugar as opposed to the calorie laden caramel machiatto I had yesterday (Yes...I know you can order this one "skinny" but I didn't, OK?!?!  So get off my back, OK?!?!!).  I brought left over whole grain pasta for lunch, even measured just a cup of it.  Going to attempt to get through the day without snacking.  Having pulled pork sandwiches tonight (but I'm not going to have the bun) with cole slaw.  Maybe an apple with nutella later tonight assuming I don't blow it before then.  And, no...it's not a primal day but at least it's a home cooked day which is as good as it's gonna get right now.

Other part of the plan?  I am calling the doc today to make an appointment for a fill.  After reading so many blogs and lapbandtalk and all that...I am terrified of becoming too tight.  Not only can it cause serious problems with the band but it just sounds so absolutely miserable.  So I've kept my band fairly loose.  However, I'm due.  I'm snacking, looking for food, not holding out 3-4 hours like I was.  So I'm sucking it up and calling the doc and, to be perfectly honest, I want a BIG GIRL fill.  I need something to remind me about what the hell I'm supposed to be doing.  I've been drinking SODA for god's sake!  Yep...bubbly, carbonated, sugar laden, calorie infested SODA!  Egad!

I'm recommitting to my "lifestyle changes" that have been posted on my blog since even before I was banded.  Let's review the Candyland Rules, shall we:

1. No Fast Food except Chick-Fil-A - ummm...right...gotta get back to this one.  SERIOUSLY.  I think I somehow convinced myself that Subway isn't fast food.  Well it is.  Time to get over it.
2. No Soda - Addressed this earlier.
3. Take Daily Vitamin - I've actually been super good with this one.  Once I discovered gummy vitamins, it's been smooth sailing.
4. Use Stairs at Work - I've been good about this too...not all the time but most of the time.  I should actually replace this with my 30 minutes of activity a day rule.  Hmmm...I'll ponder that.  

Finally, thanks for the all compliments on my last couple posts.  I do admit that I don't mind taking pictures nearly as much as I used to.  And it is so nice to have people tell you how cute you are all the time.  LOL.  The feedback's definitely welcome when the scale isn't moving and you know it's all your fault.  Ahem...moving on.

I leave you with a cute panda pic...just because.

One Year Ago....

I was banded.

I was banded August 18th, 2010 at 8:00 a.m.  So how do I feel this year has gone?  Fantastic!  I have lost 62.5 lbs.  I admit I fantasized about being one of those people who hit goal in a year...I imagined my 130 lb self living it up at the beach this summer (Not only was the weight dream unrealistic but I live in the desert...duh!).  But am I disappointed with my progress?  Heck no!  I'm 60 lbs lighter than I was last year.  After gaining weight year after year after year...to be DOWN 60 lbs is just amazing!  Obviously, that means I averaged 5 lbs a month which is 1.25 lbs a week which is right in line where the stats say you'll fall.  I'm statistically normal for once.  I do not believe I would've accomplished what I have this year if it weren't for my lapband.  Yes, I make better food choices.  Yes, I exercise more than I ever did.  But this tool has made it so much easier to stay focused and not get discouraged.  Some more numbers:

                               2010                                                                   2011
Weight:                   230 lbs (104.3 kg)                                              166.5 lbs (75.5 kg)
BMI:                       44.9                                                                    32.5
Shirt Size:                2XL                                                                    Large/Tight Medium
Pants Size:               20/22                                                                  14/Tight 12
Ring Size:                10                                                                       7

Measurements:
Waist                      49.5                                                                    40      
Hips                        45                                                                       Forgot to measure - oops
Chest                      50.5                                                                    40
Thigh                       27.5                                                                    25.5
Calf                         18                                                                       15.5
Bicep                      16                                                                        13
Total Inches lost = 26.5

NSVs in the past year:

• I walked 60 miles in 3 days.
• I ran a 5k.
• I can tiptoe up the stairs without making them creak and moan.
• I feel sexy again.
• I need to have my wedding/engagement rings resized.
• I can shop at "normal" stores.
• I can RUN...not very fast but I can...
• I can dance without sweating profusely, without my feet getting sore or having to stop to rest.
• I get hit on...by guys...even younger ones.
• I've become more confident in my work and personal life.
• I wear dresses and skirts again!
• My "butt shelf" hasn't gone away...but it's a lot smaller...
• I went ziplining and had to weigh myself in public and didn't really care.
• I like to shop again (good for ego...bad for pocketbook. LOL)
• Hubby can actually lift me up without almost falling over.
• I can go up and down the stairs without getting winded.
• I can paint my toenails without passing out.
• I set goals now and usually attain them.  If I don't, I realize that it's not worth giving up...I just keep chugging along.
• I've gotten much better at FOLLOW THROUGH.  I'm becoming a person to actually finishes what they start.
• I can play around with my kids, splash with them in the pool and not feel completely wiped out.
• My kids know what healthy stuff is and what it isn't.  They want to exercise and get strong.  They drink mostly water as opposed to juice or milk and my oldest will actually opt for a salad over french fries.  I want to take some credit for that.
• I've met tons of wonderful friends and supporters through this site.
• Hubby has committed to getting healthy with me and is my biggest cheerleader.

They say a picture is worth a thousand word so without further ado...