Why I Chose My Goal

OK.  I'm jumping on the bandwagon a bit with this one.  A couple posts ago when my frustration was showing through, Morgan left me a comment:

I have a question about your goal though, why is it your goal? You have been struggling for a while now to 'drop those last 30 lbs' or 'get back on track'. Why aren't you happy where you are at now? Why can't you just be in maintenance? Is it a number you have in mind or a size, what keeps you thinking you have to keep trying to make it and have not already made it?


This is a VERY fair question.  


Then I read posts from Kristin about goal setting and Steph about how she chose her goal weight and even changed that goal weight to suit her individual needs.  So I decided to "weigh in" (get it?  WEIGH in?  I crack myself up!) on why I set the goals I did.


I started at 230 lbs.  I am 5 feet tall.  I am merely 4 inches away from being a technical little person.  I want everyone to keep that in mind as many have set weight goals higher than mine and, like Morgan, may wonder why I insist on pushing lower.  It's because I'm way shorter than most of you!  


OK, first the dreaded BMI.  While I don't like BMI charts as a whole because they don't take muscle mass into consideration, let's roll with it for a minute.  At 230, my BMI was 44.9 (Morbidly Obese).  At my current weight of 155, it's 30.3 (STILL Obese!!!).  So, first and foremost, I'd like to actually make it to "overweight" but even more than that, I want to be "NORMAL."  So what gets me to normal?  125 lbs gets me on the upper end of normal.


So that was one thing.  The other thing is I carry most of my weight in my stomach and for women (and I think men but I'm not sure) this is a very bad thing.  Regardless of your overall weight, having a large amount of belly fat increases your risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke, some types of cancer, Type 2 Diabetes, metabolic syndrom and sleep apnea.  


125 is almost exactly 100 lbs down.  That would be pretty cool to see.  So at the very beginning of this whole thing, I talked to my doc about it and he said, with a lapband, I'd be a success at about 150 (Great!  Almost there!) but he also said, he's sure I have some type of personal goal and that I would not necessarily be healthy at 150 and so ultimately it's up to me to choose my goal.  So I chose 150 to be a lapband success.  140 to be "happy" and 125 to be my "OMFG!  Can you believe I only weight 125 freakin' lbs?!?!"  And honestly if I get to 130, I would totally dexatrim my way to 125 to see for a day on the scale and then each a cheeseburger to rest at 130.  But I digress.


So there you have WHY I chose my initial goal.  It is the OMFG weight that I put on my ticker because anything worth doing is worth doing right.  


So I am 155.  A mere 5 lbs away from what my lapband doctor told me a successful journey would look like.  Will I be satisfied in 5 lbs?  No I won't.  And the reason is because I'M JUST NOT HAPPY with this weight.  I don't feel as fit as I'd like.  I still struggle with lethargy.  I still struggle with RUNNING.  I'm still a flabby mess.  I don't particularly like the way I look in dresses yet.  I am not SATISFIED where I am.  


At minimum, I've got another 15 lbs in me.  And TRUST ME, it's not like I'm starving myself or only eating celery here and am stuck at this weight.  I eat what I want, when I want and as much as I want of stuff.  Does this behavior need to stop?   Only if I actually want to reach my goals.  And I DO.  I WANT TO REACH MY GOAL.  As I've been reading through my old blog posts, I'm finding the flame.  I'm finding the drive.  I'm finding the ME that started this whole thing and wants to finish it.  Will the journey ever be over?  No...that's something we all seem to learn.  We will always struggle, we will always obsess and we'll always fear gaining that weight back.  We must be diligence in maintenance but I'm not in  Maintenanceville yet.


I should also note that I'm willing to change my goals.  There have been many in Blogland that have.  Amy made it to goal and then decided she could go further.  Catherine made it to goal and her body naturally kept losing past that and by "naturally" I mean between her spin classes and portions and active lifestyle, etc.  Steph made it to goal and then below goal and realized that was too low and then back up to goal.  Everyone is different.  If I get down to 140 and I'm satisfied with that (and no, this is not a bikini body for me.  I've had 2 kids...those days are GONE!), then I'll adjust my ticker, throw myself a ticker tape parade (get it?  TICKER tape???  Man!  I am on a ROLL today!!!) and declare myself at goal.  I promise.  But just because my body has naturally decided that eating the crap I've been eating in the portions I've been eating is good enough, that doesn't mean it's good enough for me.


Now on to Steph's point about liking yourself where you are, no matter what the scale says.  I do.  I have other things I'm working on...the social thing, the parenting thing, the being a good housekeeper thing.  I've got insecurity issues I'm working through and a laundry list of other things.  But this blog is mostly for the physical so that tends to be what we keep focused on.


So there you have it.  How Panda Chooses Goals, in a nut shell.  Today is going to be crazy at work.  I have a half day tomorrow and then Friday and Monday off so not sure if I'll get around to posting again this week.  But I'll try to be following along on my iphone and commenting when I can.  So a Hump Day Happy Thought...maybe on goals?

Just wanted to include a pic of my girls messing around, waiting for Hubby to come home last night.

Still Here...

First...wow!  I'm truly overwhelmed by the response to my last post.  I promise I wasn't looking for an ego boost but I sure got one.  And just to clarify, I would never stop reading or commenting as I love following along with everyone's lives (it's better than the soap operas I used to watch as a kid) but I find myself finding it hard to come up with blog posts that don't say the same thing over and over, but I digress.  Obviously, I am here and writing so it is what it is for now.

Moving on to the weekend.  Double ugh!  So kiddos were sick last week with that stomach yuckiness.  Hubby caught it Friday and it hit me like a truck Saturday afternoon.  Let's rewind a bit though shall we?

So Friday, I started reading through my blog.  I made it to October 2010.  Just 3 months into my banding.  I'm determined to read the entire thing through but wow...I had a lot to say before I was even banded.  For those newer to my blog, you may not have realized that I was initially declined by insurance for my band and I was devastated.  I want to emphasize this only for those who are going through the insurance hoops now...it took over 2 months of wheeling and dealing before I was able to get my surgery approved (and that was after the 6 month supervised diet, psych eval, nutrition consult and $1000 program fee).  And while I whine and carry on, I have lost over 70 lbs that I know I couldn't lose on my own so it was worth every tear, post, phone call, letter, etc. that I went through.  Anyway, I was reading through how my training walks were going preparing for the 3 Day and realized how much I missed those long walks on the weekends.  So I decided to see what I could do about that.  So I ping'd the only person who might understand that and might be crazy enough to do it with me...my BFF.  I texted her and said "Could I talk you into doing some training walks, or runs or hikes every once in awhile in the morning?"  She responded "How often and how early?" I said, "Every couple weeks.  About 6 a.m."  Her answer?  "How about tomorrow?"  Now I honestly think she was calling my bluff but I couldn't very well say no to the very first one so I said "Sure."  So at 6 a.m. Saturday morning, we went for a hike.  It felt great.  Some parts of the trail were pretty steep so felt like we got a good workout.  My friend and I both have a version of mapmyrun (she has map my dogwalk...they're all pretty much identical) apps on our iphones so we were able to see how far we went.  The only thing I'm not real sure about it if it really takes into account the elevation or just how FAR on a line you move.  Gotta look into that.  Anyway, according to that, we went 4.38 miles in 2:14.  Not too shabby and it felt good getting out and being active.  I'm going to spend 2 weeks looking into a hike I've never done before (not difficult out here as I've only done one peak) and we'll both try something new and hopefully not get lost.  I'm liking this plan.

Early morning in the Valley of the Sun

So I get home Saturday morning, about 8, to my sickly husband and 2 kids.  Feed them breakfast, go to my parents' house (we're house sitting) to feed the dog and christen the pool for the first swim of the summer.  For some reason, my youngest is now terrified of being let go in the water.  She was swimming fine at the end of last summer so I'm hoping she gets over this and loosens up again.  Water was still a bit cool.  Anyway, by Saturday afternoon, I had the stomach bug coming out both ends and we went home and I went to bed.  It was still touch and go Sunday but am at work this morning.  This bug is nasty but it is short lived.  Everyone seems to recover within 24 hours.  Also, while Hubby and the girls were nursed back to health with 7up and Gingerale, I remain carbonation free.  I didn't want to tempt the pain gods on top of everything else.

Just had to include this.  My mom learned to text! And pictures even!  This is my dad at the Dbacks game in Kansas City..

So where are we this morning?  As I said, I'm at work but not incredibly motivated by it.  Aunt Flo came to town Saturday which is awesome (please note the sarcasm here).  I have my ablation scheduled for Thursday so that's not going to be incredibly fun but hopefully pays off in the long run.  And so in Candyland when we don't feel particularly motivated and it happens to be a Monday, then the best thing for us is a Monday DEMotivator, yes?  And, in honor of A.J.'s comment on my last post, I thought maybe this one would be most appreciated:

TTT - Warning - Downer Post

1.  I'm losing motivation to blog.  I don't know if it's because I don't seem to be getting much out of it anymore or if it's because I'm sick of repeating myself (back on track, etc.) or if it's because my weight loss has been stalled for so long.

2.  I'm trying to push through this because blogging has led me to have many awesome people in my life for inspiration and support that I never would've found otherwise and blogging has been great therapy for me.

3.  I haven't eaten primal all week.  I have yet to exercise.  My Warrior Dash is in 155 days.  Eek!

4.  My BFF has decided to come to Vegas with Hubby and me to cheer me on and celebrate my success.  Her hubby is coming too.  It will be great fun but I hope this pushes me to make sure I'm good and ready for it as there will actually be someone other than Hubby watching.

5.  I'm going to spend the rest of the week looking over old posts.  I may just read my blog from start to finish and hope that I can capture 2 things.  1) The inspiration to continue documenting my journey and realize that this journey will never be over and 2) rekindle that motivation I had in the beginning before everything just kind of fizzled out.

6.  My oldest daughter is now sick.  She woke up vomiting last night.  I still came to work today and we're trying to figure out how to deal with the whole daycare situation today.  I may end up leaving early.  Sometimes it really sucks being a working mom.  ETA:  My mom was able to watch her today.  We're now home and she's resting on the couch with the TV off (per her request).  You know she must not be feeling well.

7.  I hate my job.

8.  Hubby's contract with the big company has been extended to the end of September.  On the one hand, it's nice to have the additional 4 months of income.  On the other hand, we were really hoping for a permanent position to be offered.

9.  We couldn't go out to celebrate Mother's Day because the kid was sick and now we can't celebrate the extension of Hubby's contract because the other kid's sick.  Ugh.

10.  I'm shocked I thought of 10 things today.  I know they weren't the most uplifting and that's another reason blogland is less appealing to me these days as I'm sure it is to any followers still making it over on a semi daily basis.  Hoping the oulook brightens soon.