Monday, November 19, 2012

A Dose Of Honesty

So I don't think I set out to be misleading in my blog but I think I wasn't being honest with myself and was burying my feelings a bit so I wanted to put them out here as it's been awhile since Manda and Panda had a good heart to heart state of the union address.  I have been kicking butt on exercise...not every day but at least a few days a week and feeling really good about it.  Pushing my limits...challenging myself physically..all that good stuff.  The food, however, oh boy the food.  It's been a mess. that's what you do know.  I've been very upfront about my opportunities to improve here.  What I may not have been upfront about was how I was FEELING about it.  I don't think I was upfront with MYSELF with how I was feeling about it.

So I went to my lapband doc on Friday as I had decided I need a fill before I move off to Florida.  I was also sick of reading about all these lapbanded folk who are full for hours on three tablespoons of food.  Seriously...I just can't understand how y'all are getting in 800 calories a day and aren't hungry.  I just don't get it.  I've never gotten my calories that low.  OK...I'm rambling...back to my point.  I decided as part of my recommitment, I had to get back to working this tool I had so I made an appointment for a fill.  I walk into the doc's office and he asks how I'm doing and it all comes spilling out of me.  I don't know where it came from.  I was about two minutes shy of having a full blown emotional breakdown right there in that little examination room.  So I'm going to tell you what I told close to verbatim as I can make it.

I'm frustrated but it's beyond frustrated.  My weight is creeping up and for the first time in 2 years, I don't feel in control of my food or my eating or my health.  I'm scared.  I'm scared that I'm failing...that I will have spent all this time, money and energy and wind up right where I started.  I'm scared that if I can't lose weight after having surgery that it's hopeless.  It's the first time that I've honestly felt like I CAN'T get back on track.  That my willpower just won't do it for me.  That I was starting to feel a little hopeless about it all.

So I said all that.  And he nodded and "hmm'd."  And then he said this, "That's hunger hormones talking."  Say what?  Basically...that he knows I can lose because I've lost 70 lbs.  He knows I can eat right because I was eating right but I let myself go too long too loose.  "But doc!  You would think after 2 years, I'd have learned enough about myself and my eating to be able to lose or at least maintain without relying on perfect restriction."  He says if I could do that, I wouldn't have needed the band in the first place.  Now before people get all "He's giving you an excuse."  He really isn't.  He went on to say that yes, I could white knuckle it from here on out but why?  Why would I do that when I DON'T HAVE TO?  Then he're hungry so you're eating.  You're snacking and yes, you're making some not-so-great choices about your snacking.  But the band in its right fill level can help make those choices easier and you know what?  I know that!  That's why I did so well for so was EASY to make the right choice.  Then he continued, "We can fix it.  Don't worry...we can fix hungry and get you back on track."  And with that, I hopped up on to the table and got my fill.  I then picked up some soup on my way back to work.  Ate a bowl of soup and felt full and I stayed full until I ate dinner at 5.

There are times I forget why I chose the doctor I did and then there are days like Friday when it's made very clear to me.  And maybe it was just therapeutic getting all that gunk out of my system...all the fears and negativity that I didn't even realize I'd been garnering.

So that brings us to today.  My fill level feels really good.  I'm back to 3 small meals a day with minimal snacking and have lost 2 lbs over the weekend.  The weekend was busy.  Ron left on Saturday.  I miss him already.  This morning was my first "single mom school morning" and it went well.  The girls were good, they got to school on time and even with terrible traffic, I made it to work on time.  1 day down, 34 to go.

I finished the first item on my moving to-do list and went through the girls' closet.  That closet is now ready to move.  LOL.  Busy week ahead with Thanksgiving and all but will be blogging and checking in.

And in honor of this day of thanks, a Monday DEMotivation:

And because I was torn between 2 and just couldn't decide which I liked better, you get a double dose today.  You're welcome.


Anna said...

Glad you got your fill in before you leave. Do you have a new doc lined up for after the move?

At my initial consultation with my surgeon, I had said some similar things. I told him that I had read that it was better to keep your band on the looser side, and did he agree with that. He basically said that he thinks it's important to go slowly with fills, but why would you stop when you're not in the green zone if it's totally possible to get to the green zone, and we all know that's where the magic happens. (Total run-on sentence, but you get the drift.)

So even though I haven't had my first fill yet, that's kind of the mentality I'm taking. Tight is definitely not your friend, but loose is kind of your frenemy, you know?

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Good for you! Keep us posted how it goes.

Elizabeth said...

Glad the fill worked!!! I am happy for you! Also glad you let it all out! :)

jennxaz said...

2 lbs this weekend rocks. I am not one to judge how tight a person should be that is a matter of preference but I have noticed that I was in the green and then left it and that being in the green for me was perfect and I want to get back there. It made making the right choices so much easier for me to make.

Sarah G said...

I am kind of where you are, I think I would really benefit from a fill so I don't have to struggle mentally so much. For me it's the $150 they want up front stopping me.

Linda said...

I've been struggling with a little gain too. You are smart to get that fill and not let the stress of the move be an excuse for you. Good job!

speck said...

I think that was a good call on getting the fill before you move.

I like your doctor too!


Run, Chelle, Run! said...

I'm so glad you had that experience with your doctor! He's so right, and I'm learning to trust mine (he's a lot like yours) on these matters. It's funny, initially I was like "YAY ME!" losing all the weight, and then I got the feelings of "why couldn't I do it any other way?" My surgeon says look, in the story of your weight loss does it matter that your story has a lap band in it? NO. The tool is what helps us work it!

Tina @ The Bandit Girl said...

So glad you talked to your surgeon! You are going to rock this just like you will rock being single mom for the next month!

Amy said...

I think a good "fall apart" episode is good every once and a while. I never thought that losing weight would be such an inner struggle, but it sure has been.