A Dose Of Honesty

So I don't think I set out to be misleading in my blog but I think I wasn't being honest with myself and was burying my feelings a bit so I wanted to put them out here as it's been awhile since Manda and Panda had a good heart to heart state of the union address.  I have been kicking butt on exercise...not every day but at least a few days a week and feeling really good about it.  Pushing my limits...challenging myself physically..all that good stuff.  The food, however, oh boy the food.  It's been a mess.  OK...so that's what you do know.  I've been very upfront about my opportunities to improve here.  What I may not have been upfront about was how I was FEELING about it.  I don't think I was upfront with MYSELF with how I was feeling about it.

So I went to my lapband doc on Friday as I had decided I need a fill before I move off to Florida.  I was also sick of reading about all these lapbanded folk who are full for hours on three tablespoons of food.  Seriously...I just can't understand how y'all are getting in 800 calories a day and aren't hungry.  I just don't get it.  I've never gotten my calories that low.  OK...I'm rambling...back to my point.  I decided as part of my recommitment, I had to get back to working this tool I had so I made an appointment for a fill.  I walk into the doc's office and he asks how I'm doing and it all comes spilling out of me.  I don't know where it came from.  I was about two minutes shy of having a full blown emotional breakdown right there in that little examination room.  So I'm going to tell you what I told him...as close to verbatim as I can make it.

I'm frustrated but it's beyond frustrated.  My weight is creeping up and for the first time in 2 years, I don't feel in control of my food or my eating or my health.  I'm scared.  I'm scared that I'm failing...that I will have spent all this time, money and energy and wind up right where I started.  I'm scared that if I can't lose weight after having surgery that it's hopeless.  It's the first time that I've honestly felt like I CAN'T get back on track.  That my willpower just won't do it for me.  That I was starting to feel a little hopeless about it all.

So I said all that.  And he nodded and "hmm'd."  And then he said this, "That's hunger hormones talking."  Say what?  Basically...that he knows I can lose because I've lost 70 lbs.  He knows I can eat right because I was eating right but I let myself go too long too loose.  "But doc!  You would think after 2 years, I'd have learned enough about myself and my eating to be able to lose or at least maintain without relying on perfect restriction."  He says if I could do that, I wouldn't have needed the band in the first place.  Now before people get all "He's giving you an excuse."  He really isn't.  He went on to say that yes, I could white knuckle it from here on out but why?  Why would I do that when I DON'T HAVE TO?  Then he said...you're hungry so you're eating.  You're snacking and yes, you're making some not-so-great choices about your snacking.  But the band in its right fill level can help make those choices easier and you know what?  I know that!  That's why I did so well for so long...it was EASY to make the right choice.  Then he continued, "We can fix it.  Don't worry...we can fix hungry and get you back on track."  And with that, I hopped up on to the table and got my fill.  I then picked up some soup on my way back to work.  Ate a bowl of soup and felt full and I stayed full until I ate dinner at 5.

There are times I forget why I chose the doctor I did and then there are days like Friday when it's made very clear to me.  And maybe it was just therapeutic getting all that gunk out of my system...all the fears and negativity that I didn't even realize I'd been garnering.

So that brings us to today.  My fill level feels really good.  I'm back to 3 small meals a day with minimal snacking and have lost 2 lbs over the weekend.  The weekend was busy.  Ron left on Saturday.  I miss him already.  This morning was my first "single mom school morning" and it went well.  The girls were good, they got to school on time and even with terrible traffic, I made it to work on time.  1 day down, 34 to go.

I finished the first item on my moving to-do list and went through the girls' closet.  That closet is now ready to move.  LOL.  Busy week ahead with Thanksgiving and all but will be blogging and checking in.

And in honor of this day of thanks, a Monday DEMotivation:

And because I was torn between 2 and just couldn't decide which I liked better, you get a double dose today.  You're welcome.