Am I here? Is this it? So I've been working out 3-4 days a week and being more active on the weekends for a month now. For the last 3 weeks, I have been watching the food (a couple slip up days but nothing TOO terrible) carefully. I've cut back on Starbucks, I've had NO fast food and outside of a couple nights of alcoholic libations (and not enough to get drunk), I've had no sugary drinks. I got a long overdue fill. And I have not lost one freakin' ounce. In fact, I GAINED 5! WTF?!?!?!? I'm hovering right at 160. That is 5 lbs over my lowest and 5 lbs under my recent high. And honestly, I'm tired.
I'm tired of worrying about it. I'm tired of struggling. I have been at or close to this weight for a year. A year mostly without working out or even really watching my food. I could maintain here fairly easily. Hubby had an interesting point the other day. We were talking about exercising and the gym and all that and he said, "At some point it stops being about losing weight and it starts being about being healthy." He's right, of course. Those who have hit their goals must maintain it. By then, they've usually got a groove, know what to do and can get it done. I'm starting to feel that way. I'm enjoying the fitness classes I'm taking. I even don't mind the occasional run. I'm able to hike and do all the things I set out to do when I started this whole process. Losing these last 30 lbs won't change that. I can fit anywhere now. I can shop in regular stores and ALWAYS find something that will fit. I am the same size I was in high school when I felt decent about myself and the way I looked.
So why do I keep pushing myself for these last 20-30 lbs? I have no idea. I hate my stomach and my arms. I'm still SO flabby and can't wear dresses without spanx still. According to the BMI chart (which we all know is crap) I'm still obese. I'm angry that I'm not making any progress despite being MOSTLY good and what does this tell me? That MOSTLY good is not good enough. I have to be damn near perfect to get the rest of this weight off. And I'm not. I'm not even close. I actually found myself exasperated with a lapband commercial on the radio yesterday. Can you believe that?!?! I've lost 70 lbs with the help of this awesome little tool and I found myself thinking "What a scam," when I heard it on the radio! Ungrateful much? I had about 6 months where I could eat a couple bites of anything and feel full...satisfied...whatever. Now I can eat and eat and eat and eat. Sometimes I think I stretched something out or that I've got a leak or God only knows what else. It doesn't matter if that's the case...if something is stretched, I will not do anything about it...no surgical intervention or unfill or anything because as far as I can tell, other than being able to eat too much there are no negative repercussions. The longer I'm in the blogosphere, the more people I see lose their bands, have revisions or generally be unsuccessful. I rail on diet pills and supplements and say things like "it was the exercise or the nutrition...not the pill." Well, for the successful bandsters I see, it's the exercise and nutrition...not the band! And yes...I know all this. I'm usually the one preaching from the soapbox how it's a tool and nothing more and you've got a work it and put it in the effort and blah, blah, blah.
So the question is...am I done? Am I done with the tickers? Am I done with the weight loss goals (which I haven't reached even 1 in the last year)? Am I done with the "here we go" posts? Maybe. I'm thinking about it. I guess I imagined feeling more of a sense of accomplishment when I reached goal. I guess that's what's missing. It's because it's not accomplishment...it's giving up. It's not the sweet thrill of victory I was hoping for but defeat. I'm not sure I can feel good about it. What an anticlimactic end to a long and arduous journey. The races will continue, the challenges, the exercise, the relative monitoring of food but the scale will no longer hold the power. It will no longer tell me if I'm doing good or bad...It will just tell me what is. It will hover as it has done for the last year. It will hover and the difference will be the mindset. Right now I look at the scale and say "WTF?? How can this be? How low do I have to cut my calories and what else do I need to deprive myself of (oh yeah...I went THERE) to be able to see even a 1 freakin' pound loss on this thing?!?!" Will I be able to look at 160 on the scale and say, "Good job MandaPanda...you're right where you're supposed to be?" I'm not sure.
13 comments:
It's such a tough decision! It took me months of agonizing over it to bite the bullet and just say I'm done. Like you, I worried that I would always see this as quitting rather than reaching a goal and even though I agree that the BMI chart is crap it was really bugging me that I'm still considered overweight rather than normal.
In the end, no one can decide it for you...if you're comfortable in your own skin (not including the excess skin) and happy with the size of clothes you're wearing and can maintain your current weight easily then maybe you are done. Is it worth it to kill yourself trying to get to a lower weight that just might not be attainable or maintainable?
No matter what you decide just know that we will still be here supporting you <3
I think about this a lot as I find myself inching instead of leaping. I wonder what I would feel like if I said "hey, I'm at goal" and just let it be...does it matter if a year from now I "actually" hit goal (whatever that is) or was my goal to get the bulk of the weight off and get to where I am now - active, healthy, no longer feeling fat? It's such a complicated maze of feelings.
One thing that stuck out to me is that you said you used to be full on a couple bites but now you can eat and eat and eat. That sounds like you might be due for a fill - and not because of a leak or anything like that, but because your body has adjusted. It is about the nutrition and exercise, but for people who have been chronically overweight I remember seeing somewhere that we have to cut 30% more calories and burn 30% more calories to maintain/lose what a "normal" person would have to do. It IS harder for us!
Also, think about how you set your goal in the first place. Mine (155) was set according to BMI, but just the other week my surgeon said that I might want to go by size instead (and not counting the flabby....hell, even skinny people I know use spanx!) BMI is a joke, so you have to look at overall what is going to work for you.
When you find the answers, let me know - it's so frustrating!!!
I remember a post by lapband girl that she has maintained her weight but when you look back at pictures she is smaller, her clothes are smaller sizes and she actually looks smaller. I think maybe for you its no longer the scale but building muscle and sculpting what you have. But I do find it weird that you can eat anything. Have you had an EGD lately? I know my doc recommends one every year..and I do think that is overkill but because you can eat and eat maybe you need to do an EGD just to make sure everything is ok? You may have a leak? Or your weight could have shifted and you just need another fill....As for the gain..shit I don't get it at all...I am suffering a gain this week too. As you know I exercise my butt off so I am attributing it to my diet or else its my muscles retaining that water because they are so sore...I don't get it. I think you should take your measurements and start tracking those instead.
I agree with Jenn regarding maybe it's now all about toning and leaning, not the weight. I personally think you look great at the weight you are currently at but I'm not you and I know all too well that others' perceptions of me don't hold any weight unless I'm where I want to be!!
Who knows.. weight loss and gain is so freaking annoying some times.. I say just keep on keeping on and go back to your doc to make sure there aren't any leaks in your band.
There is a certain addiction I think people get to the great feeling of losing weight... so when it stops happening, there is a bit of a sense of loss.
Your body isn't where you want it to be, so I think your husband is right: it is now about health, feeling good, rather than losing weight. Do the things you want to do and need to do to feel HEALTHY and good about how you are treating your body. Don't worry about weight loss goals! Do all these healthy activities because they will make your body strong and healthy... not because they are supposed to help you lose weight.
Maybe if you stay the course you are on but change how you think about that course... it won't feel so defeatist!
The scale may not be moving in the right way, but how does your body feel? Do your clothes fit better? Are you losing inches?
I think just the fact that you are having these thoughts means you are damn close to being in maintenance phase. I don't think this intense self-questioning and exhaustion sets in until we get close or are there. That's how it was for me anyway. When I wasn't close and knew I wasn't healthy yet or better yet - I never even thought about being done or quitting...ugh - I'm not making sense.
A post that got me thinking about my own goals and weight range. Hubby's words have definitely resounded on me...I'm going to post about this...and link your blog (if that is okay?)...definitely words to listen to. Thanks!
I get it. Totally. I haven't lost an ounce in forever, it feels like. I know I'm not at goal yet but I get so tired of the struggle too.
I can just feel some of the angst in your writing. It's such a bummer to have come so far and still be considered obese....how very frustrating. Whatever the charts say, I think you look great and more importantly do you feel more energetic? I also agree with what the Jenns said above...measurements might be a better way to see differences.
Holy hell! This is exactly what is going on in my head. I could have written this word for word. I'm on the fence too...my lowest was 155 and now I'm hovering around 162... I'm here with you. I think goal and maintenance is not a bad place to be and you have come so far! Its really how you feel. In my head I picture goal happening and a huge parade being thrown in my honor with confetti and fireworks...And I would be let down if that doesnt happen....ha!
Whatever you decide, 70 pounds is an incredible amount of weight to lose, and the changes you have made in your diet and activity level are incredible too.
What a fantastic post!! I have been feeling this way for about 6 months. Some idea of a number I pulled out of thin air has been my guide for the past 9 months on this journey of bouncing around 175-180. I think maybe it's time for me to take a long look and see if it's time for me to be at goal too. *hugs* Thanks for this thought today.
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