Am I here? Is this it? So I've been working out 3-4 days a week and being more active on the weekends for a month now. For the last 3 weeks, I have been watching the food (a couple slip up days but nothing TOO terrible) carefully. I've cut back on Starbucks, I've had NO fast food and outside of a couple nights of alcoholic libations (and not enough to get drunk), I've had no sugary drinks. I got a long overdue fill. And I have not lost one freakin' ounce. In fact, I GAINED 5! WTF?!?!?!? I'm hovering right at 160. That is 5 lbs over my lowest and 5 lbs under my recent high. And honestly, I'm tired.
I'm tired of worrying about it. I'm tired of struggling. I have been at or close to this weight for a year. A year mostly without working out or even really watching my food. I could maintain here fairly easily. Hubby had an interesting point the other day. We were talking about exercising and the gym and all that and he said, "At some point it stops being about losing weight and it starts being about being healthy." He's right, of course. Those who have hit their goals must maintain it. By then, they've usually got a groove, know what to do and can get it done. I'm starting to feel that way. I'm enjoying the fitness classes I'm taking. I even don't mind the occasional run. I'm able to hike and do all the things I set out to do when I started this whole process. Losing these last 30 lbs won't change that. I can fit anywhere now. I can shop in regular stores and ALWAYS find something that will fit. I am the same size I was in high school when I felt decent about myself and the way I looked.
So why do I keep pushing myself for these last 20-30 lbs? I have no idea. I hate my stomach and my arms. I'm still SO flabby and can't wear dresses without spanx still. According to the BMI chart (which we all know is crap) I'm still obese. I'm angry that I'm not making any progress despite being MOSTLY good and what does this tell me? That MOSTLY good is not good enough. I have to be damn near perfect to get the rest of this weight off. And I'm not. I'm not even close. I actually found myself exasperated with a lapband commercial on the radio yesterday. Can you believe that?!?! I've lost 70 lbs with the help of this awesome little tool and I found myself thinking "What a scam," when I heard it on the radio! Ungrateful much? I had about 6 months where I could eat a couple bites of anything and feel full...satisfied...whatever. Now I can eat and eat and eat and eat. Sometimes I think I stretched something out or that I've got a leak or God only knows what else. It doesn't matter if that's the case...if something is stretched, I will not do anything about it...no surgical intervention or unfill or anything because as far as I can tell, other than being able to eat too much there are no negative repercussions. The longer I'm in the blogosphere, the more people I see lose their bands, have revisions or generally be unsuccessful. I rail on diet pills and supplements and say things like "it was the exercise or the nutrition...not the pill." Well, for the successful bandsters I see, it's the exercise and nutrition...not the band! And yes...I know all this. I'm usually the one preaching from the soapbox how it's a tool and nothing more and you've got a work it and put it in the effort and blah, blah, blah.
So the question is...am I done? Am I done with the tickers? Am I done with the weight loss goals (which I haven't reached even 1 in the last year)? Am I done with the "here we go" posts? Maybe. I'm thinking about it. I guess I imagined feeling more of a sense of accomplishment when I reached goal. I guess that's what's missing. It's because it's not accomplishment...it's giving up. It's not the sweet thrill of victory I was hoping for but defeat. I'm not sure I can feel good about it. What an anticlimactic end to a long and arduous journey. The races will continue, the challenges, the exercise, the relative monitoring of food but the scale will no longer hold the power. It will no longer tell me if I'm doing good or bad...It will just tell me what is. It will hover as it has done for the last year. It will hover and the difference will be the mindset. Right now I look at the scale and say "WTF?? How can this be? How low do I have to cut my calories and what else do I need to deprive myself of (oh yeah...I went THERE) to be able to see even a 1 freakin' pound loss on this thing?!?!" Will I be able to look at 160 on the scale and say, "Good job MandaPanda...you're right where you're supposed to be?" I'm not sure.