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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Post 2 - NSV & Liars

First, the NSV's because the second NSV leads into the "Liar, Liar..Pants on Fire" post.

  1. I went to the gym yesterday to do my 5k training.  I really pushed myself to go faster and actually all out RUN.  It didn't work.  I only made it 2.5 miles before I just had to stop.  Why is this an NSV?  Because a) I made it 2.5 miles in 33 minutes.  And b) I decided that I would do strength training instead of just calling it a day.  So I went and started using some of the weight machines and promptly felt like I was going to vomit.  I decided that I pushed myself too hard and it was time to go.  But then I decided it would be a bad idea to stop without stretching because then I might be sore and it might carry over to my 5k on Saturday so I went back and did the stretching machine (sounds like a torture device but I love it!).  Then I went home.  Now, the old me would've felt like a failure because not only did I NOT complete my 5k yesterday but I also didn't do the strength training like I wanted.  The new me says "Amanda...you made it 2.5 miles pretty quickly and you tried your hardest to keep working out.  And you're actually disappointed that you couldn't keep going.  You're growing!"  And I'm absolutely right about that.
  2. My BFF who was going to do the 5k with me has decided not to.  I'm still doing it.  It's the first event like this I've entered by myself but I'm going to follow through - that's a big mental victory.
  3. A colleague at work asked me how I'm becoming the "incredible shrinking woman."  Me?  Shrinking?  You betcha.  Thanks for noticing.
So why am I liar?  Because that colleague asked how I was doing it.  Now, I'm not open about the whole band thing to most people.  Some of my friends and family know, 127 of you out in Blogland know, but only 2 people from work know:  My boss who is ubersupportive and a friend who I knew wouldn't tell anyone.  I've known this particular colleague for several years and we've discussed child rearing stuff and what not but I'm not really sure how she is with the whole gossip thing.  But I always thought that I wouldn't lie if people asked me straight up.  I thought that once I started losing the weight, I'd be open about it, especially to people I thought might benefit from the band and knowing how it works.  This woman would definitely benefit.  But before I knew what was happening, my mouth was saying "I've cut my portions in half and am working out 3-4 times a week."  That's my standard answer for busy bodies who I know would spread the word.  Now, this isn't a lie.  I have done both of those things but I'm not being entirely forthcoming, am I?  I think the reason I feel guilty about this one (as opposed to others) is that this colleague knows my BFF lost over 100 lbs and now I'm losing weight, I can't help but feel that perhaps she's thinking "Why can they do it but I can't seem to?"  After I provided that standard answer, she said "Of course that would work but HOW can you STICK to it?"  I didn't really know how to answer.  This was a little too specific for me.  The truth is, I have a little bit of a cheat, ya know?  Now, I've answered other bloggers a thousand times over that it's no one's business about their surgery and they shouldn't feel guilty by using an answer similar to mine.  They're not lying, they're just not divulging a very personal decision.  I know, I know, but I just feel guilty about this one.

The other question she asked is what prompted me to start trying to lose weight.  Like there must be some kind of trigger or "defining moment" that inspired me to really commit to it this time.  We talked about my BFF.  Hers is kind of funny.  She and her hubby had a deal that she would lose 50 lbs and he would quit smoking in a set amount of time and they would reward themselves with a Sleep Number Bed.  It worked.  They both did those things but once my friend hit 50 lbs, she felt so much better, she kept going.  Was a Sleep Number bed really what inspired her to lose weight?  Probably not, it was a way to reward herself and STAY motivated.  I realized I didn't have an answer for my colleague.  I don't know why this is the time I decided to commit.  I don't know why I decided that I was committed enough to have surgery and stick to a program.  I suppose there are lots of reasons.  I'm approaching 30...I know that doesn't sound old to most people but it seems old to me.  LOL.  I don't want to waste my life being fat.  Also, when I last visited my sister, someone asked which of us was older.  She's 8 years older for goodness sake!  I don't want my kids to be embarrassed of their fat mom.  If I really think about it, maybe the exact moment I had enough was when I took a trip with my husband (can't remember where) and it was the first time I needed a seat belt extender.  I fought back tears the entire flight.  I remember feeling humiliated and disgusted with myself.  So I guess that was my "trigger."  That was way too personal to get into with a colleague but it definitely gave me food for thought. 

So my questions for you today bloggers...

If banded and you're not open about your band, do you ever feel guilty answering the "how" question?

Banded or not, what was your "defining moment" that inspired you to truly commit?

8 comments:

Catherine55 said...

That is awesome about your run, Manda!!

As for your questions... I'm not open about my band and sometimes I do feel guilty about not disclosing my surgery... mainly when talking to overweight colleagues who might be helped by that information. But, I can't tell them without compromising my privacy, so I stick with my decision.

As for the defining moment, the breakup with PP really helped me to commit to changing my life on the weight-front. The thought of having to date again at 80+ pounds overweight was just way too depressing. Also, the compartmental syndrome I suffered that prevented me from running scared me because it made me realize that my weight was inhibiting my mobility... a scary thought!

Leslie said...

I'm open about my band to everyone, mostly because I have a big mouth and can't keep it shut. LOL.

My defining moment was when the doctors told me that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant on my own at my then weight. Never before had my weight held me back from anything. That was my wake up call.

Amanda said...

I am not open at all and I felt a moment of guilt this weekend. I was at a get together of all women and I knew 3 of them. 2 (a mother and daughter combo that I've known for years) know about my band. In a way I wish they didn't but too late. Anyway the mother said "Oh Amanda has lost a lot of weight too!" and another lady asked how. Same answer. Calorie counting and really commiting to exercising. LIE. I mean not really I do both of those things. But I wasn't as honest as I could have been. The thing that made me question it was thinking of how the 2 that knew about it thought about me not telling the word for word truth.

My defining moment was a long time coming I guess. 2 miscarriages and then I felt so defeated. I decided that since there was not understanding to why then it must be because I am a fatso. So I decided. And 8 months later I was banded. I am 32 and if I can't have babies then I want to be thinner...damnit. SO THERE! :)

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I tell everyone, even people who probably don't want to know. My sister is 10 years older than me and I decided to have surgery on her 56th Birthday, I had just spent an hour trying to find something to wear to her birthday lunch and when I got there, I looked at my sister and realized that she looked my age and I looked her age, I just did not have it in me to try one more diet that I would fail at, so at the lunch I looked at my friend accross the table who is the marketing director at the hospital I had my surgery at and I asked her to get me an appointment. I left the lunch and went for my first meeting. I'm so glad I did too.

Jess said...

When I first got banded I was totally open to telling anyone who asked or was curious. I am still pretty much that way but now that I am smaller I feel less prone to just volunteering the information and I kinda wish I hadn't been so open before. Maybe a little more mystery would make me feel more confident? I stand behind getting banded but I usually get alot of "why did you do it? how were you even big enough? I didn't think you were even overweight before!" Then I get to explain how for me, the band was more of a preventative for gaining more weight than a last resort for weight loss.

My turning point was many things, from going up to a size 16 in some jeans to knowing that the only way I'd ever get pregnant was losing the weight because of my PCOS to just wanting to look good in a bikini for once.

Amanda said...

Don't be jealous of get togethers yet!! Everyone lives so flippin far apart. We have the want and desire but driving time is the issue! Lets buy a belt together!! We need to let go of the past belts and just do it! Says' Nike!

Rachel said...

I don't think you are a liar. You are just using discretion and protecting your medical privacy. I'm open and honest to people but I feel that its my right to retain my privacy. Also I don't want to be watched/observed or critiqued during my "weight loss transition". As 6 months have past, I've really been thankful that I've used discretion and only shared with my real "intimate friends" and husband.

My wake up call was when my 9 year old started reading diet books and taking down those diet infomercial commercial numbers for me. He was really worried.

I love your NSVs...great progress on the weight front and even more importantly in the changes to your lifestyle...I think your exercise regime is awesome!

Manda said...

I'm feel like my answers are exactly the same as Leslies...
I have been upfront with everyone from the moment I knew for sure I was getting the band. Coworkers, clients, family, friends, everyone. I guess I just feel like this is a 'forever' thing for me, and not talking about it is like trying to hide part of me. People will always have an opinion, some good, some bad, but then again they have an opinion about everything else, so why would this be any different? :-)
My trigger... I've always wanted to lose weight, ever since I was a kid but the real motivation has been so that I can try and have kids. I've had all the tests and they can't find out what's wrong. I can go and try and have IVF etc but I know it's such a risk being pregnant at my weight. Having no children is saddening to me. Having no children because I miscarried after paying a lot of money for IVF is even sillier in my opinion...