Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I'm Doing It (Whatever IT Is)

I packed my gym bag today.  I will pick up my girls, say a quick "hello" to my mom and then hit the gym.  I WILL do at least 30 minutes cardio and 30 minutes weight training.  I WILL work my tail off and push myself harder than I have in a long while.  I WILL go home after this and cook something to eat, as opposed to stopping somewhere on the way.  And then I WILL most likely fall into bed in an exhausted, sweaty, smelly heap and fall asleep until morning.

OK...Maybe the last part is a bit of an exaggeration but I'm exhausted just writing it.  So I've determined I seriously don't like working 4 10-hour days a week.  By Friday, I am just DONE and then I get to entertain my kids.  Hmmm...definitely not cut out to be a stay at home mom.

Shifting gears today and heading into the non-lapband, non weight loss topic of "What does Panda want to do with her life?"  I saw this article yesterday and it got the ol' wheels turning.  It was an article about nontraditional students (read "older") returning to school to take on things like Medical School or Law School or some other kind of huge undertaking.  Article is here for those interested.  Why did this hit home with me?  A couple things.  When I first started college in 1999, I was pre-med.  I changed my majors several times and eventually left college with no degree.  I tried to go back several times as an "adult" but never made it.  I had come to terms with this "failure to complete my degree" thing about a year ago and decided that I never want to go back to school, I don't really care if I ever get that degree and that I'm OK with it.  I know 30 doesn't sound that old to most of you but in a way, it signals an end to taking on a lot of new things for me.  I'm turning 30 at the end of the month, I have 2 kids, no money and no prospects of making more money.  Not that 30 is a dead end.  This is a birthday post for later in the month so I'll stop there with my thoughts about turning 30.

But what do I want to do with my life?  My current "career" (if you'd like to call it that) is fine.  I'm sure it's what a lot of people would be happy to do for the rest of their lives.  The pay isn't terrible, I get to sit in air conditioning all day, my boss understands what a "work life balance" is and there ya go.  I do believe that eventually my position will be outsourced and I'll be laid off and the thing is...other than having to get off my butt to find another job, the idea of it doesn't really bother me all that much.  What does that say??  I think it says I'm certainly not doing anything I'm really PASSIONATE about and I think it means I'm cut out for, if not more, something ELSE.  But what?  I'm not an artist like Draz, a writer like Ashilyn or anything that creative.  That stupid article got me thinking...what do I really want to do?  The sad part is the answer.  I really have no idea.  And if I don't know by now...will I ever?

OK...Enough "deep thoughts by Panda" for today.  This is what's rattling around up here folks.  Not a pretty sight, is it?  So instead, I'll focus on getting through this workday, getting to the gym and making a homemade dinner.  If I can do those 3 things today, I'm still in pretty good shape.


Dawnya said...

Your life is looking pretty good right now...even when you don't see it. Think of your blessings. If you decide you will go back to school you will know. Maybe what you are passionate about doesn't require a degree. Maybe it just requires that passion. When you find it you will instantly know.

Sending you my shoulder to lean on if you need it.

~Lisa~ said...

I agree with Dawnya.. When you know what your passion is, it will hit you square between the eyes.. And please don't beat yourself up, I'm turning the big five-o this year and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up..

Deep thoughts are good sometimes, they keep us focused.

Lee Ann said...

I'm with Dawnya, passion doesn't always require a degree. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. If it turns out that it does, you're never too old to go back. Really! Even at 27 I was one of the "older" graduate students but I didn't care---it seemed like an asset to me. And Lisa's right too--it'll hit you on the head sort of like you know when you've met "the one." You just know.

Catherine55 said...

First, way to go on the exercise front!! You sound very determined, and I love it that you're totally geared up! :)

Second, I have to tell you that on this upcoming big b-day of yours, you are still going to be a whopping TEN years younger than me! This new decade can -- and surely will -- mark a really exciting new time in your life. The only thing your 30s really mark the end of is living overweight. The 40s are my equivalent.

You've lost a ton of weight -- nearly 60 pounds -- and have proven that you can do whatever you put your mind to. So, if you want to get that degree, you can do it. There is financial aid and there are low interest student loans to get you through.

I saw a great Dear Abby once. This woman wrote that she wanted to go to med school, but wasn't going to go because she'd be 50 by the time she got out. Abby was like "Surprise! You're going to be 50 in X years no matter what. You can either be 50 and a doctor, or 50 and someone who regrets not going to med school." That really resonated with me (and I know that school might not be what you want, I'm just saying don't let your age hold you back).

In any event, cheers to your 30s, and to enjoying this decade as the thinner, healthier and stronger version of yourself, no matter what path you decide to follow. xoxo

Amanda said...

Girl, I am 32 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. But I am pretty happy.

Here is what I know about have this thought that you can't do..unmotivation (which I have too). But what you have done is make a family and a home and a marriage. You've kept your kids healthy and happy. You support your husband and he supports you. Do you know how hard that is?? And on top of that you have also undergone this huge transformation and been successful!

You can do anything. My sister who is the hardest worker I know, has two degrees. She just finished her nursing school as an RN. She plans on going for her Nurse Practioner next.

Money is good, hours are good, and they are always needed. She complete what she needed in two years! Kicked her ass but she did it!
You can too. I know it.

Ronnie said...

I know you'll do something great, no matter what you decide to do. Maybe you'll be a spokesperson for the lapband and travel around your area educating people? One never knows!