Band Erosion

I disappeared again.  The No Eating Out Challenge went fairly well although I did not succeed.  It did get me back into a better groove and only eating out once or twice a week so that's better.

I met the lapband doc. He gave me a small fill and ordered an esophagram.  I had the esophogram last week and the doc's office just called.  The images look "odd."  It looks as though the barium is outside of the band which would indicate an erosion.  He wants to do an endoscopy to be sure.  His office is emailing a couple GI docs that he prefers to use and they're going to call me to make an appointment.  I'm not sure how I feel about all this.  I'm scared and not sure if this is all my fault.  Did I do something to cause it?  I know I haven't been a good patient the last year or so.  I need to do more research about causes but if has eroded, it will need to come out.  I'm not sure how I feel about that part either.

For whatever reason, I'm really upset.  I'm sitting here crying...but I don't really know why.  I'm scared to lose the band.  Angry at myself for letting this happen.  Just needed to get this out there.  Will keep you posted.

Band Appt - 10/30/14

I bit the bullet.  I scheduled an appointment with a new band doctor for 10/30/14.

I have been putting this off for quite some time and the reasons are entirely mental. So let's break these down.

• My band was working fine 18 months ago.  It's not the restriction level, it's me.  Yes and No.  My restriction wasn't ideal when I left Phoenix either.  It was OK but not ideal.  I still had to white knuckle more than I should've had to.  I got lazy and tired of the band upkeep and it was easier to blame me than the band because obviously it's all my fault. *note the sarcasm...I realize how insane it sounds*
• I don't want to be judged by the doctor and nurses about how much weight I've regained. I've heard some docs judge or use fills as reward/punishment.  My doctor never did that so I was scared to go find a new one that maybe would.  Hubby went to this new doc 6 months ago and told me how great he was.  I just didn't believe him.  So we'll see.
• The lapband has failed.  I have failed.  There's not point in messing with it anymore. Did the lapband fail?  No.  I just stopped using it.  Have I failed?  Not yet.
• What is there is something wrong with the band?  I don't want to face that. Best to face it head on than ignore it if there's a problem.  Logically, I know this but I just couldn't deal with more stress if that's the case.

So I made the appointment.  He's on vacation until October and then I'm travelling for work the week he has an open appt at the location I want so that pushed us into the end of October which is OK.  It gives me time to get all my records sent over.

I still haven't eaten out and I actually came in below allotted calories on My Fitness Pal yesterday.  I'm hitting the gym tonight.  Moving in the right direction.

Old Insecurities and Starting From Scratchs

I went back to the gym last night.  When I say I went back, I don't mean as in "I took a couple months off."  I mean it's been over a year and a half since I've really done the gym and I went back last night.  It was ugly.  I am starting completely over.  A year and a half ago, I was running 3 miles at a turn, weight training, kick boxing, spinning.  You name it.  I was doing two-a-days and I was all over it.  Last night, I walked for 30 minutes and sweat.  I attempted to lift weights and even at the lowest weight level, could barely get through a set.  It sucked.  I felt so defeated.

I found myself looking around at other people, thinking they know I don't belong here.  I become very self conscious of how I looked doing things, how much I sweating, if I was breathing too hard.  I felt like I was being judged.  I haven't felt that way in 3 years.  I came home, ate dinner and mulled over these feelings.

Today I went back and read through some of my own blogs and wouldn't you know it?  There was inspiration there.

This blog post about going back to spin class after a humiliating first impression.

Or this one where I talk about the need to challenge yourself to rise above your mental blocks.  In that post, I remind myself.

I am not too fat or out of shape to work out and push myself physically.

I am not too weak minded or lacking in willpower to say no to the bad food.

I am not too tired to make it to my fitness classes.

I am not so far gone as to give up!

I have to start somewhere.  Just because I'm not in as good as shape as I was 2 years ago doesn't mean I should just give up.

I was being really hard on myself but then I really thought about what has transpired in the last 18 months to get me to backslide so badly.  I have several major life events that not only disrupt routine but also mental states.  I've moved across country, bought a house, a job change and have had 2 surgeries.  The not only wreaks havoc on the mental state but the body as well.  I'm forgiving myself for "letting myself go."  But that being said, it's time to move on and make my health a priority again.  

The to do list:

1. Back to the gym 3 days a week (1 day down)
2. Track the food and portions in My Fitness Pal (started yesterday)
3. Make an appt with a band doc for a fill (I'll have another whole post on this)

3 basic principles but they need to happen.  Still eating-out free as of today. Yay!