I know, I know...

I promised pictures.  And you will get them because I don't break promises.  But not today.  I have turned off the Internet at home which makes downloading pics and then sharing them a lot more difficult.  This week though...I promise.  And I better because I may be up a pound or two come next Monday.

This is not a good week.  We had a potluck at work which I made a delicious cake for (will post pics of that along with the progress pics) and I ate way too much.  I haven't planned well this week which is allowing more quick pick-up food than I'd like.  The choices haven't been great and the exercise has been nonexistent.  Argh!

I'm not going to the gym tonight.  Instead, I'll be doing my taxes.  Oh joy.  Oh bliss.  I hate taxes.  It's such a pain.  I've also decided that even with TurboTax, it's a pain my rear and I'm never doing them again.  I will save all my stuff and actually have a professional do my taxes next year because I just don't want to deal with it anymore.  So THERE!

I miss the working out.  This dawned on me on the way home yesterday.  For quite a few months, I was doing fairly long training walks every weekend (between 5-13 miles a pop) and doing shorter jaunts on the treadmill during the week.  It was so nice having that time to clear my head.  Now I do the treadmill at the gym...running (sort of) and I get that same feeling.  No kids to worry about, no husband to appease, no work to deal with, bills to pay and on and on, it goes.  There's something freeing in that.  There's also something really motivating in that.  So why haven't I made the effort to go back to the gym?  I have no idea.  One reason could be that I'm absolutely exhausted.  It does not matter what time I go to bed at night.  I wake up feeling exhausted.  I know exercising helps this.  But it doesn't change how it feels (vicious cycle, isn't it?).  My night terrors have been wreaking havoc with my sleep so I know that's contributing to the problem.  They usually get worse when I'm stressed out but I'm not particularly stressed about anything other than money.  I'm always stressed about money so this shouldn't be causing a big sleep disruption.  Lack of sleep also causes my eye to twitch .  You can imagine how lovely I'm looking these days.  LOL.

Work is work and home is home.  Nothing much new all around.  My hubby is having some weird reaction to sunblock so his face is all red, blotchy, swollen and he says it hurts.  Poor thing.  My oldest is going through growing pains, I think.  She's complaining about a pain in her hip area or like where the leg bone connects the hip bone (the hip bone's connected to the...).  She's been eating like crazy lately so I know she's going through a growth spurt and since I can't single out an activity that caused her leg to hurt, I'm chalking it up to growing pains but I still feel badly for her.  My youngest is going through a different kind of growing pains...as in the tyrannical 3's...I-don't-want-to-listen-to-anyone-much-less-mommy-and-I'm-going-to-throw-fits-for-no-real-reason 3's.  *sigh*

A little side note about my oldest and her eating.  I know it's gone around blogworld before, being worried that we'll pass our obesity on to our kids.  She had 3 helpings at dinner the other night!  I found myself asking her if she was sure she wanted more and that she doesn't have to finish everything.  This is the child who has flat out refused to eat dinner because she's just not hungry.  She eats when she's hungry and only eats until she's full so why did I let it worry me so much?  Last night she had 2 helpings of chicken and vegetables.  That's right.  2 helpings of chicken and vegetables, cleaned her plate and I thought "OMG! She's eating so much!"  Yeah...but do you see what she's eating??  Baked chicken and broccoli!  I shouldn't worry about this so much.  She's also always been skinny so I guess deep down I just really hope she stays that way.  I know it's a growth spurt and next week she'll go back to eating 3 bites and saying she's done but I can't help worrying anyway.

I realize this isn't an incredibly uplifting post but I've been preparing a properly positive post to go along with my progress pics.  I just haven't ironed it all out yet so instead, I'm giving you a few Hump Day Happy Thoughts:

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. ~Benjamin Franklin

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. ~Norm Papernick

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne 

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour. ~Author Unknown

50!!

Weigh In: 179.  -2.5 lbs from last week and a total of 50 lbs down so far! 

Progress pics and a more meaningful post will follow in the next couple days but here we go with the "What 50 pounds look like" pictures:

So whatever happens today...I can roll with it because...

Self Sabotage & How Far We've Come

TGIF!  Seriously...

So not a great week on the whole healthy train.  I'm trying to figure out why I have a cycle of doing awesome (the 5k, 3 lb loss) and then doing nada right after that.  It's as if I give myself a break from being healthy just because I've made some headway.  It's so stupid.  This week hasn't been absolutely terrible but it certainly hasn't been good either.  My food choices have only been so-so and I haven't worked out at all.  In Wednesday's post, I committed to working out today and Saturday.  That would be 2 days this week...not optimal but again, not terrible.  The pain in my shoulder is back (stupid breakfast sandwich) so no working out for me today.  I'm babying my band and only doing mushies today because I seriously aggravated it yesterday.  I don't know why motivation is lacking this week.

So while I was feeling all down about this and giving myself the "Bad Panda!" speech.  I started reading through my old posts.  The ones pre-banding when I was going through my insurance approval nightmares and I came across this post.  I wrote this almost exactly a year ago, on February 9, 2010.  This is the part that stands out to me.

I am a quitter. There I said it. I have this exact same follow through issue. I am 28 years old and I have never followed through with anything. This is why I don't have my degree, why I can't seem to lose this weight. This is how it is. I get very excited about things and then fizzle out. I was going to learn how to write calligraphy for my wedding invitations..bought all the stuff...not one invitation...not even a practice one. I've gone back to college 3 times after my original jaunt and still can't seem to complete my degree. I've started umpteen thousand diets and have quit them all. I've joined at least 4 gyms and never renewed 1 contract. Every year I buy 40 Christmas cards to mail to family and friends, and come Valentine's Day, they are still sitting on my desk. My daughters' baby books...oh lordy. My oldest' has 3 pages filled out and my youngest' has never even been opened.



So...all that aside. This is going to be my year. This why my 3 Day Walk and my lapband adventure are so important to me. They both require a real commitment. The financial commitments, the physical requirements, the mental preparedness. This is going to be the year that I don't quit. When my shins and ankles hurt from my C25k program...I'm not going to give up. When (not if, but WHEN) I'm banded and I hit a plateau, I'm not going to just say "Well, $#&! it! I'm eating a cake!" When I'm $500 away from my fundraising goal, I'm not going to just say, "It was a good try." I'm going to do it. I'm going to make it. I will be banded, I will lose this weight, I will run a 5k, I will raise the money I need for the Walk and I will finish said walk with a smile on my face. I will follow through on my goals. There must be more that I am meant to do this life than sit in a cubicle like a veal and waste away to nothing! No more Mrs. Quitter!

So I'm reading this yesterday and it dawns on me.  I have done everything I set out to do last year...just maybe not in 2010 specifically but pretty darn close to 12 months.  I got banded, did the Komen 3 Day and ran a 5k.  I didn't let my heel injury stop me from my big walk.  I didn't let the opting out of the Couch to 5k program stop me from my 5k and I didn't let a pesky insurance denial stop me from getting banded.  I followed through.  I've come to terms with the regrets in my life (I haven't really talked about it but mentioned it in this post here).  I've had bad eating weeks since being banded.  I didn't work out in almost the entire month of December but I keep going, I keep trying and I'm still losing.  That, in itself, is an accomplishment!

Another blogger (So sorry I don't remember which post) spoke of no longer using negative self talk in regards to her body.  When she looks in the mirror, she's only going to say nice things.  I commented that I didn't think I could do that...not yet.  For me, personally, THIS is what I need to work on.  The mental bashing I give myself when I go a little off plan or have a lazy week.  I don't let my poor eating get to me as much but when I'm not exercising (I feel so much better when I work out) and not eating well, I let these old "quitter" thoughts creep back in and think "Here we go again.  What are you going to quit this time?"  But the truth is, I'm not a quitter anymore.  3 BIG things I set out to do that required real commitment, I have done.  I am still married after 2 kids, a few rough years, big financial mistakes that undoubtedly make marriage more stressful and we're still here...almost 8 years later.  I still have the same job I've had for the last 7 years...this from someone who couldn't stay anywhere longer than a year.  Do I love my job?  The longer I'm here, the more I think I do.  Is it my destiny?  God no!  But who the heck knows what my destiny should be.  The point is the old Amanda was a quitter.  The new Amanda follows through and accomplishes her goals... even if it doesn't happen every single week.

So Spring is almost officially over here in AZ.  It's supposed to get up to 98 degrees today.  In honor of my home state, I've chosen an appropriate Friday Funny...