So not a great week on the whole healthy train. I'm trying to figure out why I have a cycle of doing awesome (the 5k, 3 lb loss) and then doing nada right after that. It's as if I give myself a break from being healthy just because I've made some headway. It's so stupid. This week hasn't been absolutely terrible but it certainly hasn't been good either. My food choices have only been so-so and I haven't worked out at all. In Wednesday's post, I committed to working out today and Saturday. That would be 2 days this week...not optimal but again, not terrible. The pain in my shoulder is back (stupid breakfast sandwich) so no working out for me today. I'm babying my band and only doing mushies today because I seriously aggravated it yesterday. I don't know why motivation is lacking this week.
So while I was feeling all down about this and giving myself the "Bad Panda!" speech. I started reading through my old posts. The ones pre-banding when I was going through my insurance approval nightmares and I came across this post. I wrote this almost exactly a year ago, on February 9, 2010. This is the part that stands out to me.
I am a quitter. There I said it. I have this exact same follow through issue. I am 28 years old and I have never followed through with anything. This is why I don't have my degree, why I can't seem to lose this weight. This is how it is. I get very excited about things and then fizzle out. I was going to learn how to write calligraphy for my wedding invitations..bought all the stuff...not one invitation...not even a practice one. I've gone back to college 3 times after my original jaunt and still can't seem to complete my degree. I've started umpteen thousand diets and have quit them all. I've joined at least 4 gyms and never renewed 1 contract. Every year I buy 40 Christmas cards to mail to family and friends, and come Valentine's Day, they are still sitting on my desk. My daughters' baby books...oh lordy. My oldest' has 3 pages filled out and my youngest' has never even been opened.
So...all that aside. This is going to be my year. This why my 3 Day Walk and my lapband adventure are so important to me. They both require a real commitment. The financial commitments, the physical requirements, the mental preparedness. This is going to be the year that I don't quit. When my shins and ankles hurt from my C25k program...I'm not going to give up. When (not if, but WHEN) I'm banded and I hit a plateau, I'm not going to just say "Well, $#&! it! I'm eating a cake!" When I'm $500 away from my fundraising goal, I'm not going to just say, "It was a good try." I'm going to do it. I'm going to make it. I will be banded, I will lose this weight, I will run a 5k, I will raise the money I need for the Walk and I will finish said walk with a smile on my face. I will follow through on my goals. There must be more that I am meant to do this life than sit in a cubicle like a veal and waste away to nothing! No more Mrs. Quitter!
So I'm reading this yesterday and it dawns on me. I have done everything I set out to do last year...just maybe not in 2010 specifically but pretty darn close to 12 months. I got banded, did the Komen 3 Day and ran a 5k. I didn't let my heel injury stop me from my big walk. I didn't let the opting out of the Couch to 5k program stop me from my 5k and I didn't let a pesky insurance denial stop me from getting banded. I followed through. I've come to terms with the regrets in my life (I haven't really talked about it but mentioned it in this post here). I've had bad eating weeks since being banded. I didn't work out in almost the entire month of December but I keep going, I keep trying and I'm still losing. That, in itself, is an accomplishment!
Another blogger (So sorry I don't remember which post) spoke of no longer using negative self talk in regards to her body. When she looks in the mirror, she's only going to say nice things. I commented that I didn't think I could do that...not yet. For me, personally, THIS is what I need to work on. The mental bashing I give myself when I go a little off plan or have a lazy week. I don't let my poor eating get to me as much but when I'm not exercising (I feel so much better when I work out) and not eating well, I let these old "quitter" thoughts creep back in and think "Here we go again. What are you going to quit this time?" But the truth is, I'm not a quitter anymore. 3 BIG things I set out to do that required real commitment, I have done. I am still married after 2 kids, a few rough years, big financial mistakes that undoubtedly make marriage more stressful and we're still here...almost 8 years later. I still have the same job I've had for the last 7 years...this from someone who couldn't stay anywhere longer than a year. Do I love my job? The longer I'm here, the more I think I do. Is it my destiny? God no! But who the heck knows what my destiny should be. The point is the old Amanda was a quitter. The new Amanda follows through and accomplishes her goals... even if it doesn't happen every single week.
So Spring is almost officially over here in AZ. It's supposed to get up to 98 degrees today. In honor of my home state, I've chosen an appropriate Friday Funny...
8 comments:
MandaPanda...(sounds so strange calling you that, I'm MandaPanda in my house). I am glad you posted this today. I feel a lot of the same things as you. I do well and then I stop, I lose weight and then I stop. I get excited and motivated and then I stop!
But I can't stop this. I won't stop making this work. I jus thave to give myself a pep talk from time to time!
I am 150% better and in tune then I was 1.5 years ago. That says something, damnit! I just need to remember it every morning!
I see me in your words - your BLUE words, your pre-band words.. You are such an inspiration to me, and I love how far you've come in twelve months! You're not a quitter - you're a strong and beautiful woman who has taken her life, her health into her own hands - and is succeeding!
You sound so much like myslef! Not finishing things that I start! I did finish school though it took me double the time it should have! I have a wedding album I have never done and been married 13 years and have bought the stuff TWICE! I also would love to learn Caligraphy and have everythig to learn. Even my husband has bought me tutorial kits and they are unopened! Then I started thinking instead of thinking of all the things I did not complete there are also a lot of things that I have!! This is also the first time EVER that I have stuck to a weight loss program and YOU are doing AMAZING!!!
That someone in the mirror.. That is ME!! I am so sick of looking in the mirror and picking out every little thing I hate about myslef! So time to change those horrible thoughts! It is a work in progress! I still can't walk past a mirror without cringing at somthing! I am happy to see that you are following through with your goals! That is HUGE!!
Are you moving back to town! Our lease is up TODAY!! But it is not the right time as bad as we want to get out of this town.. It is not the town we hate.. It is the things that come with it! Utility prices and my husband commute! Our landlord was fine with us doing a 6 month. So we will see come late summer. I dont want to move in the middle of summer but if we are ready finacialy by then..Well then we know we have an out!
You are succeeding, and one of the reasons I think is because of posts like this-- posts where you realize that you may have quit a lot of things in life, but it doesn't define who you are-- just what you did in the past. You have proven you are not a quitter.
You're awesome. Thanks for the post.
I love this!
Sometimes we need to remember our past to realize how far we've come. Amy W pointed out in her latest post that we don't need to be perfect in order to be successful. You've done great and know you will continue to do so.
I loved reading your post from last year. Celebrate how many things you have done. Think back to the MandaPanda before surgery. Imagine if she could have done half the things you have done! H-NO.You are doing wonderful!
I love this post...I think part of success is recognizing your progress...Your 5 K made me treadmill/do elliptical with more fervor and I'm entertaining the thought of doing a 5K or at least a 3K with my son. See on top of your success you are an inspiration!~
Your phrase about giving your self a break after achieving success made me laugh...I can so relate. I had my biggest loss 6 lbs in a week and I was thinking and wondering what type of ice cream I should have to celebrate!!! The irony~!
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