Whiny Post

46:06.  That's over a minute under my last best time doing my 5k training.  Feeling very good about it.  Even though I REALLY didn't feel like working out yesterday, I dragged my butt to the gym and got on the treadmill.  I felt good about my time and how hard I pushed myself.  45 minutes may just be do-able after all.  Something else I noticed was that I didn't feel like a whale in my workout clothes.  I hate seeing myself workout (ever notice how many mirrors are in a gym?) but other than turning bright red (which I've done since I was 8 years old ANY time I exert any energy whatsoever), I don't think I looked too shabby.

This leads me to my progress post.  I'm posting progress pics at 50 lbs down and I've been trying to make a list of all the great NSV's I've experienced after losing 50.  I have about 7 lbs to go before I can do that but I'm struggling.  Lately, I've been feeling a little down about my progress.  I don't lose as fast as some people but it's not so much my rate of loss, it's the image.  1-2 lbs a week is fine by me.  You do the math on that, if you lose 1 lb/week, that's 52 lbs a year (half of what I'd ideally like to lose and I'm almost there already!).  Up that by just 1/2 lb/week and you're looking at 78 lbs in a year.  That would get me to a pretty good spot. 

My problem is coming from what's staring back at me in the mirror.  I know I've talked about it before but I just can't seem to move past it.  It's the gut.  I see improvements in my face and my back fat.  My feet are smaller and my wedding ring is just about going to need to be replaced by a cheap Target brand ring until I hit goal and can get it sized.  But this stomach just isn't going anywhere.  I've always carried my weight there but I'm really starting to HATE seeing this squishy belly in the mirror.  Without getting too icky, I basically have two stomach rolls.  A top one which I think is my actual stomach and then a bottom roll that isn't getting any smaller and is just kind of hanging there.  Skinny people who have children and don't quite get back to their perky selves would call this part a pooch.  I call it sickening.  I know I'm going to need a tummy tuck if I ever do get to my aspirational goal.  I mean, there's just no way this is going to suck back in but I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I'll be stuck with this for several more years as I lose weight everywhere else.

There's something else that's bugging me unrelated to my actual progress.  Some of you may recall that my mother wasn't all that supportive of my getting the lapband.  Even though I've certainly lost quite a bit, she rarely, if ever, comments about my loss or pays me a compliment about my progress.  My dad has been paying compliments like crazy which is weird.  If you knew the family history here, you totally would've thought it would've been reversed.  So, the other day my mom starts telling me how great my brother is doing at his new diet.  He's down to 210 lbs (notice how we all have a weight problem EXCEPT my mother?  Yes...very annoying...all the kids look just like my dad...moving on).  I asked her what program he's on and she said she didn't know but it had something to do with having a bar in the morning, a shake for lunch, no red meat for the first 21 days, lots of veggies, etc.  Can anyone say fad diet???  Then she was saying that my brother was complaining about how expensive the produce is right now and actually asked if I had bought produce lately and how it really is high.  Seriously??  Like I haven't been eating veggies for the last 6 months?!?!  Like I haven't been hitting the gym 3 times a week or training for a 60 mile walk, a 5k and trying to be more active overall?!?!  Apparently, I've just been losing my weight by eating bonbons and potato skins.  I just found the whole conversation to be extremely patronizing.  I don't even know if my brother knows about my band.  I never told him because I didn't want his wife to know (don't get me started on her).  Ugh.

On top of everything else, my girls are sick...AGAIN.  Maddie has some kind of head cold with a fever and Lori was up all night vomiting.  Good times. 

So there you have it.  We've been having a lot of technical problems at work lately so this is the stuff that I'm able to obsess over for hours on end while putzing the time away.  I really am trying to stay on the positive side of things.  I definitely feel better and healthier.  Clothes are getting baggier.  I'm also taking a trip to Las Vegas in mid-April.  My sister and her husband (who is doing OK by the way) will be there so my dad and I are driving up to say hi.  They have a little break between radiation/chemo and when he begins the clinical trial, so they're taking advantage of the break and having some fun.  Vegas is like my brother-in-law's Disney Land so it should be a lot of fun.  I'm sure, eventually, I'll start feeling good about how I'm looking.  I just wish my NSV's were a little bit more aesthetic than they have been.  Sorry this post is so whiny...I'm working on getting a more positive outlook going here.