I Bow To Single Moms

So a little background.  Hubby started law school in 2002/2003.  We spent that year apart while I finished up at ASU and planned our wedding.  It was hard.  Luckily, I had my mom's flight benefits and flew for free so I made it up to Ohio to visit every couple months.  I was also busy with school, friends and wedding planning.  It was still hard but we made it through no worse for wear.

So this is what I've been telling myself since Hubby left on Saturday.  I said, "Self.  It's a mere month.  It's not a year or even 2 months...you went longer during that year not seeing him than you are spending apart now.  This is not a big deal. And you thought you were busy before??  You've got 2 kids now!  You've got to get them up, get them dressed, get them fed...there are lunches to be made!  You've got to get yourself showered, dressed and ready.  Get everyone off to school and yourself to work!  And this is all before 8 am!  Then you've got the evenings...homework, dinner, baths, stories, bedtime, sorting through stuff for the move!  When are you going to have time to miss him?!?!"  So that's been my pep talk for 3 days now.  And it's working...as far as missing him goes.  I'm also older and more mature now so that's undoubtedly helping as well.

Something else we discovered last night was skype!  We didn't have this back in 2002.  Or if we did, we didn't know about it.  How fun!  It's basically video conferencing using your computer.  Very handy.  The girls loved it and it's nice to be able to actually chat as if he's in the same room.  This little innovation truly makes long distance relationships easier!

OK...so that's all well and good for the emotional side of everything. It's that to do list I ran through.  While it's very handy at keeping me busy...it's only Day 3 and I'm exhausted!  I have done virtually no moving prep work as I'm just trying to get a routine down right now.  Unfortunately, it's a luxury I don't have.  I really do have to get on top of all the moving stuff.  The gym is almost already a distant memory.  We do own a treadmill and I've thought about working off some of this stress at night but we'll see if that actually happens.  There's a reason I have a gym membership...I find it extremely difficult to get motivated at home.

So I say all of that to say, while I've always had a lot of respect for single moms...I truly bow to you.  I don't know how you do it day in and day out for so long.

There is some good news in my life (not that any of this is really bad...just stressful).  I am down 2.5 lbs since Friday morning.  Feeling good about that.  I'm really focusing on my food and trying not to snack.  I'm also wearing my PanAm pencil skirt today and feeling sassy.  And for the first time ever, I decided to go truly old school and wore my pearls today.  I never had pearls...never liked them much but as I've matured (ahem) they've grown on me.  Anyway, I got a string of my grandmother's when she passed away but I have never worn them.  There's a first time for everything.

So that's my life at the moment.  Boss is out of the office this week so it's nice and quiet.  She creates drama around here.  I'm working from home tomorrow.  I've got pies to bake and the girls' turkey trots at their school.  Yes...I'll be running with them again.  Last year was the first year I actually ran with Maddie at hers and I felt so good about it.  This year, I get to do 2.  :)

Hope y'all are having a great week!

A Dose Of Honesty

So I don't think I set out to be misleading in my blog but I think I wasn't being honest with myself and was burying my feelings a bit so I wanted to put them out here as it's been awhile since Manda and Panda had a good heart to heart state of the union address.  I have been kicking butt on exercise...not every day but at least a few days a week and feeling really good about it.  Pushing my limits...challenging myself physically..all that good stuff.  The food, however, oh boy the food.  It's been a mess.  OK...so that's what you do know.  I've been very upfront about my opportunities to improve here.  What I may not have been upfront about was how I was FEELING about it.  I don't think I was upfront with MYSELF with how I was feeling about it.

So I went to my lapband doc on Friday as I had decided I need a fill before I move off to Florida.  I was also sick of reading about all these lapbanded folk who are full for hours on three tablespoons of food.  Seriously...I just can't understand how y'all are getting in 800 calories a day and aren't hungry.  I just don't get it.  I've never gotten my calories that low.  OK...I'm rambling...back to my point.  I decided as part of my recommitment, I had to get back to working this tool I had so I made an appointment for a fill.  I walk into the doc's office and he asks how I'm doing and it all comes spilling out of me.  I don't know where it came from.  I was about two minutes shy of having a full blown emotional breakdown right there in that little examination room.  So I'm going to tell you what I told him...as close to verbatim as I can make it.

I'm frustrated but it's beyond frustrated.  My weight is creeping up and for the first time in 2 years, I don't feel in control of my food or my eating or my health.  I'm scared.  I'm scared that I'm failing...that I will have spent all this time, money and energy and wind up right where I started.  I'm scared that if I can't lose weight after having surgery that it's hopeless.  It's the first time that I've honestly felt like I CAN'T get back on track.  That my willpower just won't do it for me.  That I was starting to feel a little hopeless about it all.

So I said all that.  And he nodded and "hmm'd."  And then he said this, "That's hunger hormones talking."  Say what?  Basically...that he knows I can lose because I've lost 70 lbs.  He knows I can eat right because I was eating right but I let myself go too long too loose.  "But doc!  You would think after 2 years, I'd have learned enough about myself and my eating to be able to lose or at least maintain without relying on perfect restriction."  He says if I could do that, I wouldn't have needed the band in the first place.  Now before people get all "He's giving you an excuse."  He really isn't.  He went on to say that yes, I could white knuckle it from here on out but why?  Why would I do that when I DON'T HAVE TO?  Then he said...you're hungry so you're eating.  You're snacking and yes, you're making some not-so-great choices about your snacking.  But the band in its right fill level can help make those choices easier and you know what?  I know that!  That's why I did so well for so long...it was EASY to make the right choice.  Then he continued, "We can fix it.  Don't worry...we can fix hungry and get you back on track."  And with that, I hopped up on to the table and got my fill.  I then picked up some soup on my way back to work.  Ate a bowl of soup and felt full and I stayed full until I ate dinner at 5.

There are times I forget why I chose the doctor I did and then there are days like Friday when it's made very clear to me.  And maybe it was just therapeutic getting all that gunk out of my system...all the fears and negativity that I didn't even realize I'd been garnering.

So that brings us to today.  My fill level feels really good.  I'm back to 3 small meals a day with minimal snacking and have lost 2 lbs over the weekend.  The weekend was busy.  Ron left on Saturday.  I miss him already.  This morning was my first "single mom school morning" and it went well.  The girls were good, they got to school on time and even with terrible traffic, I made it to work on time.  1 day down, 34 to go.

I finished the first item on my moving to-do list and went through the girls' closet.  That closet is now ready to move.  LOL.  Busy week ahead with Thanksgiving and all but will be blogging and checking in.

And in honor of this day of thanks, a Monday DEMotivation:

And because I was torn between 2 and just couldn't decide which I liked better, you get a double dose today.  You're welcome.

Too Old For Breaking Dawn

On so many levels.

So I was invited to the opening show of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 last night.  A lady at work rents a theater and a bunch of people have been going to all of these so I decided to join in the fun.  I have not read the Twilight books and I wouldn't classify myself as a "Twihard" but the movies are a guilty pleasure of mine. So yes..I'm not the target demographic and am too old for Breaking Dawn.  I am also too old to go to opening nights now too.  I got to bed around 2 a.m. and was up for work at 4:30.  I am so freakin' tired.  Outside of that, I was also a little annoyed by the number of little kids at this show.  They behaved well but they were so tired and didn't want to be there and it made me mad.  This kind of stuff didn't bother me in my younger years.  But all that aside, we had a good time and I think this movie is by far the best of the series.  Here I am supporting Team Edward before I left for the evening:

So in my quest to recommit and get back on track, I have an appointment with lapband doc to get a fill today.  I long for the days where I ate very little and then didn't think about food again for hours.  I've also decided that once Hubby leaves, I'm committing to the food thing.  I'm going to incorporate shakes and salads more because they're quick and easy and that's going to become more important the busier I get.  I got quite a bit done on a personal front yesterday...made my fill appointment, made check up appointments for the girls at their doc, ordered Lori's birthday presents, ordered some balloons and stuff I need for her cake.  After work today, Hubby and I are going to the credit union to close our joint account.

Hubby leaves tomorrow.  This makes me sad.  We've done the long distance thing before.  We spent his first year of law school apart so we know how it is.  We didn't have kids then and it just seems like it will be different this time.  I certainly have enough to keep me busy though and have my mom and friends here to help out.

In happier news, Hubby bought me an early Christmas gift...an Ipad!  I'm so excited.  I love this little thing!  And now I can check blogs at home without having to be sitting at my computer so it's far more likely that I'll actually keep up when I'm out of the office.  And maybe I already have all my Zynga games loaded to it already too.  :)


And it's been awhile but a Friday Funny to kick off the weekend: